A few thoughts...

Upon hearing the news that the U.S. had successfully completed an operation that led to the demise of Osama bin Laden, I breathed a sigh of relief. All that we had worked for the past 10 years was over. We had avenged the lives that were taken on September 11, 2001. And then a wide array of emotions set in.

I'm not excited about his death.

I'm not celebrating.

I'm not devastated.

I'm not really even sad.

But I'm not relieved.

I've been trying to figure out how I feel, what I think, and what is right. I don't even know what right means right now.

I've been reading blog posts, tweets, and facebook statuses from people who are excited, proud, overjoyed, but also those who realize their brokenness and need for a Savior.

I have some thoughts for all of them. Hopefully, this will come across compassionate.

I do believe, as Christians, that the death of someone so evil should be a reality check for us. It should be a time that we realize that we are just as broken and evil without Christ. But as Christians we are no longer that evil. Our debt has been paid. We are redeemed, and we are no longer seen by God as evil.

I think, as Christians, we should be rejoicing that we have been chosen by God to be redeemed. This should be a time when we see how evil we once were, and rejoice that we have been cleansed by Jesus' blood.

However, bin Laden had rejected Christ. God allowed his heart to be hardened, and because of that he will not receive God's grace. He only gets God's justice.

I understand not wanting to celebrate when someone receives God's justice and eternity separated from Him. Maybe that's why I'm not celebrating his death, but I am celebrating my life in Christ.

But I also understand, that those who lost loved ones over the past 10 years are celebrating because justice has been served. I don't think anyone wants to experience justice, but I do think when someone as evil as bin Laden has killed so many without remorse, those left behind have closure in his death.

I am proud. I'm proud to live in a free country. A country that does fight for safety. A country where so many men and women CHOOSE to sacrifice their lives to keep the rest of us safe. I'm honored to live among these men and women.

I don't know how else to express my heart and my thoughts. I don't feel like I can fall on either side of the debate. I can't rejoice in bin Laden's death, but I also don't believe that his life deserved grace. He rejected grace. And all who reject grace receive justice.

Motherhood

My life has been forever changed by the precious girl that is snoozing away as I write this. She gives the best snuggles, the sweetest smiles, and has the stinkiest gas.

Last week was rough for me. I'm not quite sure why. I think part of it was I realized how lonely it is to be a stay at home mom. I want nothing more than to do this forever, but last Tuesday was rough for me.

As we were getting ready for Bible Study I was so frustrated by how flabby my arms were that I just wanted to punch something. I honestly didn't want to go because I started thinking of how thin all of the girls are in our group and I became very self conscious. I've been cleared to exercise for 3 weeks now and I tried to start running, but I have to do it either before Paul leaves or after he gets home because of our stroller. On top of that the weather has been so horrendous that it's really too hot to be out in the middle of the day with a baby, and the pollen is killing me. I can't take munchkin to a gym because she has to be at least 8 weeks old, and frankly I'm frustrated by my lack of options. Not only am I frustrated but I am jealous that Paul gets his exercise everyday by riding his bike to and from work. He doesn't have to worry about whether or not he can take the baby he just gets to go.

On top of that I realized that I don't have many people to talk to during the day because most of my friends are at work. My friends who are moms and are at home are struggling with getting out of the house too. It's hard to decide to do it when you know your little one needs to be fed and needs a nap. You don't want to miss any of that, and so you decide to stay in and not reach out. Then you end up realizing that you just want to scream at your poor husband because he is out socializing and you are left to talk to this tiny thing that can't talk back. There is no interaction. And loneliness sets in.

We ended up at small group and our friends who had their baby 3 weeks after us, and we spent the evening talking about our struggles and getting wisdom from our friends who have been parents a little longer than us. I was so overwhelmed that I wasn't sure where to start with my feelings, and the more I talked the more I cried, and the more I realized that I'm trying to avoid something. Owen.

I didn't realize that missed him as much as I do. I didn't realize that even though my arms and life are full with this one sweet little girl that I still ache for my precious son.

I know my life would be completely different and more chaotic right now, but I dream of that chaos. I desperately desire that chaos because that means my son would be here, and I wouldn't be missing him.

My sweet angel girl is so precious to me, and I love being her mama. She makes me smile, and manages to do something everyday to remind that the blowouts and screaming are worth it.

I never knew that motherhood would be this rough. I never knew that I would be missing my son while holding my daughter. I also never knew that motherhood would be this joyful.

This precious girl has changed my life.

Now that I'm a mother...

Now that I'm a mother, I see things differently...

Now that I'm a mother, my heart rejoices differently...

Now that I'm a mother, my heart hurts differently...

Now that I'm a mother, I get angry differently...

Human Trafficking.

Two words I have read over and over again throughout the past months. My sister has blogged about it. She has run to raise money to help fight it. I didn't get it. My friends have blogged about it, tweeted about it, called other to action about it...I didn't get it.

Two and half weeks ago I became a mother. I became a mother to a daughter who has a name. A daughter who means more to me than I ever expected. A daughter whom I love more than life itself. A life I can not imagine selling to someone else in order for me to be able to eat.

I'll be honest, I didn't ever pay much attention to what human trafficking was all about. I read the words and heard about these organizations that are fighting it, but I didn't get it. Then today I read a blog written by someone who has a t-shirt that simple states "she has a name". It was about why she likes this shirt and then it tells this story:
The story behind “she has a name”: There was a john (male paying for sex), a pimp, and a prostitute. The john asked the pimp what the girl’s name was. The pimp said, “She doesn’t have a name. She’s whoever you want her to be.”

These words broke my heart.

They broke my heart because I spent years thinking of the name I would choose for my daughter. Her name needed to have meaning. It needed to be special because she is special. Ultimately, her name was chosen because of my mom, grandmother, friend, Paul's grandmother, and Ruth from the Bible. Her name means something to me, her mother.

The thought of someone saying that who she is isn't important makes me crazy. She is important to me. Her name means something to me. Her life means something to me.

And the lives of these girls who are being trafficked all over the world mean something to someone. They are girls with names that were chosen just for them and they need to be remembered. They need to be valued.

Now that I'm a mother I see the urgency to spread information about what human trafficking is, who it effects and how to help. Because if it were my daughter I would be praying for someone to help Julia.

Here's some organizations leading the war against human trafficking:
www.AsOurOwn.org
www.Shehasaname.com
www.love146.org

How can you help?

Julia Ruth

Julia Ruth was born March 11, 2011 at 7:46 AM. She was 19 inches long and weighed 6 lbs. 7 oz. She is absolutely beautiful!

We had a scheduled c-section and everything went very smoothly. Dr. Seeker even said that it was good that we did the c-section earlier than he wanted because her placenta was very calcified. Basically, her placenta was getting to the stage that it wouldn't be able to support her. It was doing exactly what our maternal fetal medicine doctor thought it was going to.

I will say this...morphine in your spine is CRAZY!! I felt very loopy, and the only thing I could think when I saw her was how beautiful she was. I am still amazed that God has blessed me with her.

Paul is a great daddy too! He is so patient and supportive. He tells me how good I'm doing at 2 AM when she is crying and I can't get her to latch. (We are getting better at nursing).

She squeaks in her sleep which is absolutely adorable. I love when I am holding her and she just starts smiling in her sleep. I love how she snuggles. She is such a blessing.