Grief...a year and half later

I've been struggling with grief lately. Grief of the loss of my perfect health. Grief over the loss of my fertility. Grief over the loss of my son.

It's been about a year and a half since Owen Paul went to be with Jesus. At 18 weeks gestation Owen went to be with Jesus and Julia stayed in the womb. We grieved the loss of him deeply. We questioned why God would allow this to happen. We were and still are grateful for Julia's life, but desperately missed him. So we mourned.

In February of 2012, we decided that we wanted to try for another baby. We had not been preventing pregnancy since Julia was born and had been hoping it would just happen. That's not what happened. It turns out that no matter how badly my body wants to be pregnant...I still need help getting there. So we started fertility treatments.

So it's been 5 cycles and no pregnancy has been announced. Month after month we get a negative test and I start my period. Month after month I'm disappointed. Month after month I am faced with the fact that I can increase our treatments and have a higher risk of getting pregnant, but I will also have a higher risk of twins. Month after month I am faced with the fact that I am TERRIFIED to be pregnant again, but I'm DEATHLY AFRAID of multiples. Month after month I struggle with anxiety, fear, and failure as my hormones are manipulated. And I fear that I will NEVER be able to get pregnant again. Julia was nothing short of a miracle, and I may not get another one.

Yes, I believe that God has a plan. Yes, I believe that God is in control. BUT if I had it my way God's plan would be mine. He would do things the way I want Him to. I wouldn't be reminded every month that I lost my son and I can't control when I get pregnant and if that pregnancy goes to term, or that child is born healthy and lives a long life. I. CAN'T. CONTROL. IT.

Owen is my son. As Julia is learning to walk and talk...I wonder what he would be doing. As Julia climbs in my lap and gives me hugs and kisses...I wonder what his hugs and kisses would be like. As Julia asks me to read "Brown Bear, Brown Bear What Do You See?" over and over again...what would Owen want me to read? Who would Owen look like? Would he be like his daddy?

I won't ever know these things. I'm sure when I get to Heaven that I won't care, but right now I do. Right now I'm still grieving the loss of my son, and trying so hard to not be afraid. BUT at the end of the day I am SCARED. I know that God did not give me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and sound mind. I know that I can cast my anxieties on Him because He cares for me. I know that this is momentary and light affliction preparing me for the eternal weight of glory. But right now...it sucks! Right now I just want something to be easy. Right now I want my son here in my arms. I want my daughter to have her brother.

And I don't feel like any healing has happened since I lost him.

Does Anxiety=Failure?

I've struggled with anxiety for years. I think I struggled with it growing up, but didn't know it. I think that it's something many people struggle with but we don't talk about it. It's become worse since I became a mom.

When I have an anxiety attack it becomes hard for me to breathe. Everything inside me feels jumpy. Sometimes I get light headed. Sometimes I get nauseous. Sometimes I throw up.

Yesterday it happened to such an extent that I had to ask Paul to come home from work. I put Julia in her high chair with a piece of cheese and went to the bathroom and cried. I cried for hours. I would stop crying long enough to start again. I couldn't breathe. I thought I was going to throw up, but never did.

To be honest, being a mother is the scariest thing I've ever done. I desperately want to protect my daughter from the horrors of this world, and literally have emotional breakdowns because I can't.

Right now my daughter is laying in her crib chatting and laughing. Her sweet voice makes me smile. She is so sweet and innocent. She knows nothing of the horrible things that are happening all around her. I desperately want to keep her like that. I don't want her to ever learn of murder, rape, or any other violence. I don't want her to grow up in a world where young girls are forced into sexual slavery.

How do I protect her? How do I allow her to keep her innocence in the midst of all of this?

My desire is to not allow the horrible things I have experienced ever happen to my daughter or any of my children. But I feel like I can't control these things. And control is the one thing I so desperately desire when it comes to my child.

One thing I know is that silence isn't the answer. That keeping these thoughts and feelings to myself only allows the anxiety to fester. But, why don't we talk about it more? Why are we made to feel as if we are failures as human if we struggle with anxiety or depression? Why do I feel like I am failing my daughter?

And it's April

Last month my goal was to exercise, and I might have exercised 2 days out of the month. I did do a lot of reading, and realized that reading was my goal for this month. It seems I switched them.

So I've decided that I'm gonna keep reading this month. I'm currently reading "Water for Elephants". So far the beginning doesn't have me wanting to pick it up and not put it down, but I think I'll get there.

So I'm switching my March goal (to exercise) to April and my April goal (to read) to March. I'll keep you posted!

Julia Ruth turns 1!

On Sunday, March 11, 2012 my precious baby girl turned one year old. I can't believe that a year has already passed. My aunt sent me an email that said "the days are long, but the years are short." It's so true.

There have been many days this past year that I couldn't wait for a certain season to end. I couldn't wait for her to sleep through the night. I couldn't wait for her to become more active so we could do more things. Now that those times are gone, and she doesn't snuggle as much any more, I wish that she would wake up in the middle of the night and just snuggle. However, with each new season my heart abounds with joy when she says new words, the looks she gives me, the way she says "mama and dada". This little girl has brought so much joy into my life. I NEVER knew I could love so deeply. My life is forever changed.

I'm not gonna lie. Her birthday was also very hard for me. I woke up on Saturday prepared to celebrate her birthday, but not prepared for the immense sadness I would feel that Owen wasn't here with us. I wanted to be celebrating him too. And we did in our own little way, but I didn't think I would miss him so much. I wasn't prepared to still hurt for my son.

So we let a balloon go in honor of Owen. Just our little family of 3. Just a little something to acknowledge that Owen's life meant something to us. That even though it was short, it was special and made a lasting impact on our lives.

Then we went on to celebrate Julia Ruth. And that girl can party. She was so excited to have so much family come and play with her. She LOVED her first piece of cake, and once someone put a little in her mouth she devoured it.

Our family was so generous with gifts. Sweet girl got LOTS of new clothes which was wonderful because we are coming up on a season we don't have clothes for. She got some new toys that she enjoys playing with. One is her very own ball pit. She LOVES climbing in and out of it and throwing the balls out.

(I'll add pictures soon).


Sweet Julia,
You are one of God's biggest blessings to us. I love being your mama. I pray everyday that you would fall in love with the Lord. That He will give me wisdom to raise you in a way that would honor Him. I have learned more about who I am as a daughter of God from being your mom. I'm so proud of you, and I wait eagerly to see how you become who God has created you to be. I love you!! Happy 1st Birthday!