Baby day!!

Tomorrow is baby day! I'm so excited that I think I've worn myself out. I have so much to get done before we go to the hospital that I can't focus! I really just want to sleep! I feel like I have been tired for 9 months!

Here's the plan for tomorrow:
We will leave our house between 4:15am and 4:30am to get to the hospital by 5am. At 5am we will go into to get prepped for surgery and all of the fun things that go along with that. At 7am the c-section will begin. A few minutes later, the c-section will be over and our sweet baby girl will be here!

Then our families will get to come meet her, and hopefully we will be able to google chat with Uncle Josh and hopefully Aunt Melissa at some point so that they can meet their new niece.

I can't believe that after all of this waiting Julia Ruth will finally be here! I know that tomorrow will be mixed with overwhelming joy and sadness since Owen won't be with us. I love that little boy so much! I can't imagine what it will be like when we get to Heaven.

I do hope that we will be able to find a way to remember him, and talk to her about him with out making it all about him but about her as well. I want tomorrow to be an exciting day for her and all about her. After all it is her birthday!

I will post some pictures when I get a chance. I still haven't figured out how to do it from my Mac, but I hope that changes soon!

We'll keep you posted!!

All of the sudden...

This pregnancy, which seemed nearly impossible to happen a year ago, is coming to an end.

This pregnancy, which had many shocking moments, times of grief, excitement, and overwhelming joy is ending NEXT week!!

Our Maternal Fetal Medicine Doctor, Dr. DeStefano, told us after we lost Owen that we would need to deliver between 37-38 weeks. Dr. Seeker wanted to wait until closer to 38 weeks. He thinks we can make it to 39 weeks, but it isn't his decision. He has to defer to Dr. DeStefano who has more schooling and experience in bringing high risk babies into the world. She said yesterday she's not budging...this baby girl needs to come between 37-38 weeks.

Dr. Seeker said if she didn't think we should wait he thinks March 10 or March 11 is a when we should induce or do a c-section. WHAT?!? I wasn't prepared for that. I thought for sure I had until March 16th. Nope...this baby is coming next week. For sure!

We will find out more today after we see Dr. Seeker. We will decide c-section or induction, we will decide on a date and time, and then Paul and I will frantically figure out all we need to do in order to bring this baby home and be ready for her. So many things left to do!

Last week, I was completely terrified about losing 6 days to prepare. 6 days where I could spend some time either sleeping or just hanging out with my husband. This morning I found myself talking to her, and asking her if she was ready to be out in this world. She began squirming like I have never felt before. I think she is ready for lots of snuggles.

I am ready to hold this baby girl that I have prayed for for so long. I am ready to kiss her, feed her, wake up 30 times a night to take care of her. I'm ready to bring her home, and watch her grow. I'm ready to see God's plan for her life play out. I'm ready to learn more about who God is through this little life.

I don't know why God chose to leave her and take Owen, but I know that God's plan for Owen's life only included him being with us in the womb for 18 weeks. I know that God's plan for Julia's life includes more than we can imagine. I can't wait to see what He is going to do.

This little girl is more precious than I could have ever really understood before her life was conceived. And as long as it felt like this pregnancy was going to last..

All of the sudden...

It's OVER....

And we get to bring our little girl home...

Suffering

I'm having a hard day today. It seems like that happens when I don't have to work. Thanksgiving Break and Christmas Break were hard. I feel like these days I'm at home I tend think about Owen A LOT! I miss him. I cry over him. My heart aches for him. I'm still questioning why he had to go. I'm asking Jesus why Owen didn't get to stay here. Why I have to hurt. Why I have to suffer. Why?

Last night at church the sermon was on suffering. I cried. I cried because as Jeff Mangum spoke I could identify with where he is right now. The anxiety, the fear, the depression. The desire to retreat from community and just be alone.

I have to say I don't understand suffering. I don't understand why God allows it. I don't understand the purpose of it. But last night Jeff said something that really spoke to me. In 2 Corinthians 12 Paul is talking about the thorn in his side. That he asked God to take it away and God said no. Then Jeff said these words (which are a paraphrase, but spoke to me) God said to Paul "I do not take joy in watching you suffer, but I know you heart better than you do. If you had ease of life you would live according to your own desires. Because of suffering you run to Me, cling to Me."

I do know that when things are good in my life I tend to rely on myself. I don't make reading my Bible and prayer a priority, and I take credit for my ease of life. When I am suffering I cry out to God, I sit in His presence seeking His comfort, I scour through scripture looking for God's promises.

I'm not gonna lie...I still question why I have to experience this pain. The pain of losing my son. The pain of hope leaving. The pain of raising a daughter without her brother. I wonder why God allowed Owen to exist in my womb for 18 weeks only to take him away. One night I realized that Owen had to be conceived to be in Heaven. It was important to God that Owen was conceived. It doesn't make my heart hurt less, but it reminds me that Owen was special to God.

Last night as we sang some old hymns that talked about what it was going to be like to see Jesus, I wondered if Owen was overwhelmed with joy to see Jesus' face. I wondered if Owen felt at peace seeing Him. I wondered if Owen immediately began to worship. I wonder if Owen felt complete. If he felt an incredible, overwhelming, love that can't be described.

I know God is good and does good. I know that He is a God of grace. I know that after having suffered for a little while my God of all Grace, who has called me to His eternal glory, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish me (1 Peter 5:10). But I wonder if I'm ever going to stop asking why, and stop hurting.

It amazes me that Owen's short life was able to draw me closer to my Savior. Maybe it is more of a push, but his life meant something.His life had a purpose. I desperately want Julia to know how powerful God is, and that He is good. That He will use what He needs to use to draw her closer to Himself.

It doesn't necessarily take away the pain, the questions or the tears, but it gives me a quiet place to rest until God is ready to show me why.

I heard this song by Steven Curtis Chapman recently and I felt like he wrote it about how I felt when I couldn't find the words. These words describe how I feel. And they remind me God is in Control!

Our God is in Control

This is not how it should be
This is not how it could be
This is how it is
And our God is in control

This is not how it will be
When we finally will see
We'll see with our own eyes
He was always in control

And we'll sing holy, holy, holy is our God
And we will finally really understand what it means
So we'll sing holy, holy, holy is our God
While we're waiting for that day

This is not where we planned to be
When we started this journey
But this is where we are
And our God is in control

Though this first taste is bitter
There will be sweetness forever
When we finally taste and see
That our God is in control

And we'll sing holy, holy, holy is our God
And we will finally really understand what it means
So we'll sing holy, holy, holy is our God
While we're waiting for that day

We're waiting for that day
We'll keep on waiting for that day
And we will rise
Our God is in control

(Holy, holy, holy) x2

Our God is in control

(Holy, holy, holy)

Our God is in control

(Holy, holy, holy)

Arggh...anxiety, worry, and fear...OH MY!

The last two months have been marked by anxiety, worry, and fear for me. I think a lot of people would say that it makes sense since we lost a baby, but for me it seems to go a whole lot deeper than that.

For me, it seems like I'm not trusting God. That I'm not trusting in WHO GOD IS.

My mom suggested a Bible Reading Plan that plan application on my phone that deals with grief. It is 5 days long, and I started last night just to see what it was all about.

So far I have read the following passages:

Genesis 23:1-20-Abraham loses Sarah, and he finds a place to bury her and remember her.
Genesis 37-Joseph's brothers tell their father Joseph was killed, and Jacob says he will mourn until he goes to Sheol to see Joseph.
Genesis 42-Joseph's brothers go to Egypt for food, and Joseph asks them to leave Simeon and bring back Benjamin. The brothers go home and tell Jacob the request, but Jacob refuses to send Benjamin because he has now lost 2 sons and doesn't want to lose a 3rd.
Ruth 1:1-21-Naomi loses her husband and sons in war. Naomi tells her daughters in law to go back to their mothers' houses. Orpah goes but Ruth will not go. She returns to Bethlehem and she tells them to call her Mara because the Almighty has made her life bitter, the Lord has afflicted her and brought misfortune upon her.
2 Samuel 12-David loses the son he conceived with Bathsheba while Uriah was at war. David fasts praying for God will be gracious and allow his son to live. David stops fasting when his son dies because he knows that his son will not return to him, but one day he will go to his son.
2 Samuel 18-David grieves the loss of his son Absalom, and says that he would have died in his place.
Job 1:6-22-Satan brings affliction upon Job because he believes that Job will not be faithful to God if he does not have all of the blessing that have been bestowed upon him. However, Job tears his clothes and worships God.
Psalm 23:1-6-David writes a psalm to God praising God for who He is and the peace He gives us.
Psalm 42:1-11-The psalmist writes how his soul longs for the Lord, and even though his soul is cast down he will praise the Lord.

And here is what I have learned:
No one is spared from mourning and grief. We all have to deal with it. It's normal to feel like God has brought this misfortune to you. However, it is important to realize that even though He allows misfortune He doesn't cause misfortune. Our souls long for Him, and need Him to get through grief. And it is important to praise Him...it heals the heart.