Last week was rough for me. I'm not quite sure why. I think part of it was I realized how lonely it is to be a stay at home mom. I want nothing more than to do this forever, but last Tuesday was rough for me.
As we were getting ready for Bible Study I was so frustrated by how flabby my arms were that I just wanted to punch something. I honestly didn't want to go because I started thinking of how thin all of the girls are in our group and I became very self conscious. I've been cleared to exercise for 3 weeks now and I tried to start running, but I have to do it either before Paul leaves or after he gets home because of our stroller. On top of that the weather has been so horrendous that it's really too hot to be out in the middle of the day with a baby, and the pollen is killing me. I can't take munchkin to a gym because she has to be at least 8 weeks old, and frankly I'm frustrated by my lack of options. Not only am I frustrated but I am jealous that Paul gets his exercise everyday by riding his bike to and from work. He doesn't have to worry about whether or not he can take the baby he just gets to go.
On top of that I realized that I don't have many people to talk to during the day because most of my friends are at work. My friends who are moms and are at home are struggling with getting out of the house too. It's hard to decide to do it when you know your little one needs to be fed and needs a nap. You don't want to miss any of that, and so you decide to stay in and not reach out. Then you end up realizing that you just want to scream at your poor husband because he is out socializing and you are left to talk to this tiny thing that can't talk back. There is no interaction. And loneliness sets in.
We ended up at small group and our friends who had their baby 3 weeks after us, and we spent the evening talking about our struggles and getting wisdom from our friends who have been parents a little longer than us. I was so overwhelmed that I wasn't sure where to start with my feelings, and the more I talked the more I cried, and the more I realized that I'm trying to avoid something. Owen.
I didn't realize that missed him as much as I do. I didn't realize that even though my arms and life are full with this one sweet little girl that I still ache for my precious son.
I know my life would be completely different and more chaotic right now, but I dream of that chaos. I desperately desire that chaos because that means my son would be here, and I wouldn't be missing him.
My sweet angel girl is so precious to me, and I love being her mama. She makes me smile, and manages to do something everyday to remind that the blowouts and screaming are worth it.
I never knew that motherhood would be this rough. I never knew that I would be missing my son while holding my daughter. I also never knew that motherhood would be this joyful.
This precious girl has changed my life.
