We're ADOPTING!!!

I tried to hold out on you long enough, but I just can't do it any more! We have decided to go through the Foster/Adoption process, and after an hour long conference call yesterday it is very clear that this is what God wants us to do right now. There are so many children that are ready for homes they just need the right family! We are very excited.

We are going to go through a Christian Agency named Family Link. We are go to request ages 5 and under, 3 or less children, and any gender or race. As you can see our lives can change very quickly in the next few months. We were told on the conference call that as long as we get our part done (ie. paperwork, CPR/First Aid, Fire and Safety Inspection, etc) then they will do their best to get children placed with us ASAP.

We ask that you join us in praying for these little lives that God is going to bring to us. Please pray for them to come to know Christ, that we can show them Christ's unconditional love for them, and God will prepare us to be parents. We are already so in love with these children even though we don't know who they are yet. We completely covet your prayers.

Also, please pray about how you can be apart of taking care of orphans as Scripture commands believers to. There are so many children that need a loving home and you can support them through prayer or bringing them into your own home.

Food, Inc.

A few years ago a dear friend of mine encouraged me to read "Fast Food Nation" by Eric Schlosser. I began reading it was disgusted, and my dog ended up eating the book so I wasn't able to finish reading it. I had heard about the movie "Food, Inc." and since we signed up for Netflix I decided to go ahead and put it on the queue to watch. I'm going to go ahead and say I am absolutely horrified by what commercial companies get away with putting in our food.

Not only is it disgusting hearing about how these companies are feeding animals in an unnatural way so that they develop bacteria like E-coli, but they are treating their workers poorly as well and are allowed to get away with it.

Needless to say, I am going to start changing not only how I am eating, but what I am eating. And I encourage you to check out this movie!

Selfishness...

This morning I had brunch with some dear friends and found out that they are expecting in June, just two weeks after a mutual friend of ours is also due with her first child. This came after finding out my neighbor is pregnant, two girls in my small group are expecting, and my sister-in-law is reaching her due date rapidly.

My initial reaction was "WOW"! With a forced smile on my face I began to ask questions about how she had been feeling, and when she was due, and blah blah blah...only to get home and begin wondering what I had done that I can't get pregnant. I began to wonder why God is punishing me.

I have failed (for most of my life) to see God as truly a God who is both just and merciful. I tend to look at hard times in my life and ask "What sin did I commit to make this happen?" instead of realizing that in His infinite mercy He is really trying to teach me something....about Him.

This evening we went to church, and I had my arms folded during worship and was truly angry, and wondering why God was allowing so much hurt in my life. Why He was preventing me from having the ONE thing I desired more than anything in my life? And then we watched a video about what God is doing through our church in the city of Austin. God reminded me that I am not on this earth for me, but for Him. He has given me breath to serve, worship, love, and live life with the poor, the needy, the widows and the orphans. He has created me to RISE and SHINE!!! And I am sitting and having a pity party with my light covered up.

I thought about the students in my class that I see every day. I see their physical and emotional needs and often ignore them. I am easily frustrated by their inattentiveness and disrespect. I expect them to know more because they are 8 years old. I expect them to treat others with love, kindness, gentleness and mercy, but I am not treating them the same way. My heart is not burdened for their salvation because I am too worried about getting what I want instead of giving them what they need. I do not get up and spend time crying out to God for them because I want a few more minutes of sleep.

I realized that this life that God has given me has a HUGE purpose, but I don't even know what it is. I don't know how He wants to use me, and I don't even ask. Paul and I have been through trials and seen God truly provide for our every need, but I have failed to see what God is doing in my life because I have made it all about me.

On the way home I told Paul that I don't even know why I want to be a mom. I don't know how to pray for us to have children because I don't know what purpose that serves other than what I want has happened. When I say that I mean...Do I want to have children to glorify God through them, and why would I pray that when I can glorify Him in so many other ways. I guess my question is...what is the purpose of becoming a parent? Why do I need that when I have 16 students who need Jesus Christ. Students who are looking at me to love them unconditionally and Shine.

I don't say all of this to say that I don't want to become a mom. My heart truly aches to have children. I say this because I am seeing that I need to refocus my life off of me and on to Christ. I need to Rise and Shine everyday. I need to ask God who He has for me to show His love to everyday, and I need to stop worrying about when He is going to give me what I want.

So I titled this post selfishness because it seems like over the past few years I have only been focused on what I want God to do for me and not on what God wants me to do for Him. I have been selfish with my time, my money, and my talents. I have allowed myself to believe that I have been through so much that I deserve to have things my way. So today I am turning over a new leaf. I am resolving to Rise and Shine everyday so that my students, my neighbors, my hair stylist, whoever know that Jesus loves them and can see His love for them through my life.

To my dear friends and family who are expecting...I am going to do my best to be real with you. To let you know when/if I am hurting, but also to rejoice with you. I don't want you to not be able to talk about this joyous time in your life because I am hurting....and when you see the selfish side of me come out please say a few prayers for me because God is renewing and restoring me daily.

I love y'all!

The Journey

This past year has been a series of roller coasters including being diagnosed with PCOS and having a miscarriage. We took some time off from TTC so that we could heal, and the first month we tried fertility treatments again we were unsuccessful. So we have decided to not try anymore. God has really been showing me that I have made getting pregnant an idol so I am letting go!

I am so excited about beginning my first year of teaching, and I can't wait to meet my students. They are really going to become my children over this next year. So I am going to work on losing weight, getting my cholesterol and triglycerides to the best range they need to be since PCOS causes them to be higher and puts me at risk for Isulin Resistance Syndrome. So we will see where God takes us, but I am really looking for NATURAL ways to control this rather than being on more medication. I HATE MEDS!

Anyway, I am focusing on being the best aunt EVER right now, and spoiling my friends and their babies! I think that will be exteremely healing for me.

Now what to do to start spoiling these babies?!?

To my loved ones...

Warning: This post may piss you off ....please read with caution.

So today I found out that I will have a new niece or nephew in January. This is normally exciting news , but for me it is bittersweet since we have been on the TTC journey for much longer than I expected or ever desired to be.

For my family and friends who are expecting or have a little one please don't be offended that I may not jump for joy with your news or want to spend a lot of time with you. Please know that I love you very much, I know what a miracle this little life that you have created is, and I am overwhelmed with joy for you. However, there will be times that I need to grieve the loss of my little one who never made it to this world. I need to be frustrated that my one heart's desire is taking longer to come to fruition, and I need a safe place for all of that to land.

Often times this blog is my safe place. It is where raw emotion can be read by the world. But it is just that...raw emotion. It is completely void of any logical reason. I need to feel and express that emotion before I can ever get to a logical response.

Please be sensitive to the situation we are in because it is definitely delicate. Know that we don't want you to have to walk on egg shells around us, but there are going to be times that are more difficult than others. I am just asking for you to be sensitive.

I love you, and I love you little one who will be here soon. I hope that you will have a cousin coming along before you know it.

TMI!

So I know that those of you reading this know that this is me dealing with PCOS so you aren't going to be surprised by this post, but you need to be warned I'm going to talk about my PERIOD!

I have been cramping the last few days, and today after lunch VOILA! Aunt Flow decided to come for a visit. This is tremendously exciting news because this is the shortest cycle I have had NOT on birth control. 56 days! I know all of you "NORMAL" cyclers probably wish you could go 5 months with out having this little visit, but you should know it isn't good for your body...ESPECIALLY when you want to get pregnant. So I still need to figure out if I am ovulating on my own, but I have gone from 150 day cycle to a 74 day cycle to a 56 day cycle in a year! How exciting is this?!?!? Anyway, I am hoping that this next month I have a shorter cycle by at least 18 days....wouldn't that be AMAZING that I have cycle within the normal 21-36 day range!!!! I am totally stoked!

In other not so gross news...I am teaching 5th grade for the rest of the school year while a teacher is out because she broke her wrist. I have to say they make my life interesting. Let's just say we have a love/hate relationship. There are times they hate me, and then they want to hug me and I am awesome. There are times I hate them, and I love them and want to hug them! They definitely keep me on my toes.

This summer I am going to nanny for a family I got to know while I was teaching at Primrose School of Shady Hollow. They have a daughter who is 6 years old and a little boy who is 4 months old! They are so adorable and sweet! I am bound to have a FABULOUS summer!

Also, I have gotten to know so LOVELY ladies on whattoexpect.com who also have PCOS and are trying to concieve. There are a group of us who are going to try and lose weight together...say some prayers we all need it. According to the research just losing 10% of your body weight can restore your cycles to normal and induce ovulation! So please pray for us as we will be working out booties off (literally)! Well, maybe not mine... my dearest friend Raven insists my ghetto booty is here to stay no matter how much weight I lose. Honestly, I like my booty so I don't mind.

As you can tell...I am in a playful mood tonight so please just laugh at me and leave a note! I love all of you friends who faithfully keep up with me in the blog world!

There are no words for what I am feeling...

It seems that things have been really good right now, but my heart is a little tender. In 1o days is the due date of our little one that has already gone to be with Jesus. I was hoping to get pregnant again by now because I thought if I did I wouldn't have to feel this heart ache. I'm not sure if that is true, but I do know that I am really hurting right now and I'm not sure I was prepared for this.

I'm a little sad that my college roommate is having her baby in a few days, and hasn't talked to me in awhile because it was too hard for her to deal with me having a miscarriage. I'm sad when my friends who are pregnant or who have just had babies feel like they can't share their joy with me because I lost my little one and they don't want to cause me any more pain.

The truth is I am genuinely ecstatic for these people, but that doesn't mean I'm not missing my own. I know that God has big plans in store for us, and He has the right children for me, but does it have to hurt so much?

I'm trying to stay joyful, keep myself busy, and focus on all the other things going on in my life. However, with Paul working at night I have a lot of time to myself, and I can either watch mindless TV or think. Sometimes I prefer the mindless TV so that I don't have to feel what I am thinking, but sometimes it is okay to think and feel and get it out.

So I'm here at the beginning of May thinking that in a few days I should be delivering my baby, and I'm not. I'm thinking that it sucks, but I know that God has a plan. I'm thinking I shouldn't have watched "Marley and Me" because it made me cry and I'm all alone....crying. My dogs are even looking at me like I'm nuts.

I often wonder too why men don't feel the same way we do...I know God made us different. But I really want to see Paul cry over us losing our baby. He doesn't. I'm not sure if it is because I was carrying this child and it resonated with me more...or if it was the hormones but I just feel like I want to be able to fix this. I want to be able to make myself be able to get pregnant and stay that way...for 9 months ONLY!! But I can't do anything more than wish, cry and pray. I know God has big plans for us, but I want to know about them, and I want it all to happen right now. Selfish I know.

God's timing is perfect, but how do I let go and wait for the one thing I have wanted more in my life than anything else? That is the question...

La di da...

Well, I wish I had a million things to report right now, but I don't. We are coming up on my due date, and I'm a little sad that I won't be welcoming my little one in a couple weeks. However, I am grateful for where God has brought me through all of this. I know that He has a plan and the perfect children for us. I just hate waiting for them.

In other news, I was offered a job at Williams Elementary School here in Austin. I am so excited! I will be teaching 3rd grade ESL. I love the school, and the staff, and I am so blessed to be there. I am going to sign my contract tomorrow!

It looks like we will probably start this whole trying to conceive process again in August. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I know that sounds weird since I want to be a mom, but it isn't like we can just have sex and BAM I'm pregnant! I have to take medications, and go to multiple doctor's appointments...and then that gives me the same chance of getting pregnant as any other woman without PCOS. Anyway, I feel kind of whiny today. I think it could be the rainy weather and that I have been so tired from not sleeping well since I have been breaking out in hives. I'm gettting better!

I guess that's all!

What to say?

This has been an entirely crazy few months...mainly because I think I ovulated without a trigger shot from my ob/gyn, and...well...that has NEVER happened! It is kind of exciting. Also, things are looking up as far as jobs go.

It is looking like I might have a full time teaching job next year (more on that to come), and Paul is going to be working nights at Home Depot (he gets to drive a fork lift!) Anyway, God has brought us a long way since last April when Paul got laid off. It has been such an interesting journey! I wouldn't have wanted to go on it if God hadn't drug me through it, but I have to say that there is a sweetness resting in His presence.

So...right now we are waiting for an official job offer for me, and a full time position for Paul. As well as, anticipating the arrival of our nephew Miles. Let me clarify...he is my best friend's son who is due any day now, and I just can't wait to meet him. I found the cutest sport coat for him! Anyway, it seems like he will be here before we know it, and I tell ya...I hope he has chubby cheeks! I can't wait to meet him! I know I keep saying that, but seriously I know his parents and he is going to be the cutest baby EVER! Well, next to my own that is.

Anyway, I will try to post more as there is any news, but right now....LIFE IS GOOD! Thank you Lord!

Holy Moly!

So my Ob/gyn put me on Metformin last May to help with the PCOS. Rumor has it that Metformin helps with symptoms and can actually shorten your cycle lengths. Well, I finally experienced the wonder of this drug. I know most women are too excited to start their periods, but I usually go 5 months without one so you can imagine when after 74 days I started my period!! The Metformin is actually working! I am so excited. Since it is working I could actually ovulate without taking all of the extra fertility treatments!

In need of a disclaimer...

Recently, I have found out that some people have been frustrated with me about what I post on here. So here is a disclaimer:

What you are about to read are my thoughts and feelings about my journey Trying to Conceive. These feelings may be of anger, jealously, disappointment, fatigue, and weariness. There are times when joyous things may be posted on here. However, the process of trying to conceive a child that I so desperately desire is painful, and there are times of mourning. So expect to see pure, raw emotion much like you would read in a diary. You may begin to notice that this process is much like the grieving process and I have to move through each stage in order to cope. If you choose to read this please know my heart's desire is not to hurt you, it is not to make you feel like I don't like you or that it is your fault that I am not getting pregnant. I am just being honest about my feelings on this journey.

You may notice that the top of the blog is a verse from Psalms saying that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I want each of your who read this to know that I do completely believe that God created me in such a way that whatever physical problems I might have that I know I was created for His glory.

I am fully aware of how my raw emotions look to those of you who have had me censor them. I am fully aware that at times I am going to coming across angry or possibly slightly crazy. However, you have to take it with a grain of salt.

I fully believe that this journey that God is taking me on will lead me to be completely joyous with the end result. Whether that mean I get pregnant, we adopt, or I just continue in this life as a teacher loving and nurturing the children in my classroom. I know that God has created me to show children His pure and unconditional love. I also know that this process is showing me to trust in Him with all I have know that He has a plan for me that is perfect. Through this journey I have found more joy in Christ than I could have possibly known because I have had to become completely dependent upon Him....and that is where joy is...in Christ. That doesn't mean that I will never grieve the loss of my unborn child because I will. It doesn't mean that my desire to become a mother will go away because I know that is what I was created to be. With that may come some jealousy because I want a child am I am having to wait. But none of this means that I am ever unhappy for those of you that God is blessing with children, and it doesn't meant that I don't want to see how He is working in your life through this child.

Please know that I sincerely love each and every one of you, and I would never want you to feel like you can't talk to me because I don't want you to rub your child in my face. More than anything I want to be apart of your child's life and watching them grow into who God created them to be.

I sincerely apologize to anyone whom my words on this blog may have hurt, but this is my outlet for frustration. I chose to publicly display my feelings because I don't want to have to repeat myself a thousand times, but I also want you to be able to see what God is doing in my life through this process.

I love you!