Monday, January 17, 2011


I'm having a hard day today. It seems like that happens when I don't have to work. Thanksgiving Break and Christmas Break were hard. I feel like these days I'm at home I tend think about Owen A LOT! I miss him. I cry over him. My heart aches for him. I'm still questioning why he had to go. I'm asking Jesus why Owen didn't get to stay here. Why I have to hurt. Why I have to suffer. Why?

Last night at church the sermon was on suffering. I cried. I cried because as Jeff Mangum spoke I could identify with where he is right now. The anxiety, the fear, the depression. The desire to retreat from community and just be alone.

I have to say I don't understand suffering. I don't understand why God allows it. I don't understand the purpose of it. But last night Jeff said something that really spoke to me. In 2 Corinthians 12 Paul is talking about the thorn in his side. That he asked God to take it away and God said no. Then Jeff said these words (which are a paraphrase, but spoke to me) God said to Paul "I do not take joy in watching you suffer, but I know you heart better than you do. If you had ease of life you would live according to your own desires. Because of suffering you run to Me, cling to Me."

I do know that when things are good in my life I tend to rely on myself. I don't make reading my Bible and prayer a priority, and I take credit for my ease of life. When I am suffering I cry out to God, I sit in His presence seeking His comfort, I scour through scripture looking for God's promises.

I'm not gonna lie...I still question why I have to experience this pain. The pain of losing my son. The pain of hope leaving. The pain of raising a daughter without her brother. I wonder why God allowed Owen to exist in my womb for 18 weeks only to take him away. One night I realized that Owen had to be conceived to be in Heaven. It was important to God that Owen was conceived. It doesn't make my heart hurt less, but it reminds me that Owen was special to God.

Last night as we sang some old hymns that talked about what it was going to be like to see Jesus, I wondered if Owen was overwhelmed with joy to see Jesus' face. I wondered if Owen felt at peace seeing Him. I wondered if Owen immediately began to worship. I wonder if Owen felt complete. If he felt an incredible, overwhelming, love that can't be described.

I know God is good and does good. I know that He is a God of grace. I know that after having suffered for a little while my God of all Grace, who has called me to His eternal glory, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish me (1 Peter 5:10). But I wonder if I'm ever going to stop asking why, and stop hurting.

It amazes me that Owen's short life was able to draw me closer to my Savior. Maybe it is more of a push, but his life meant something.His life had a purpose. I desperately want Julia to know how powerful God is, and that He is good. That He will use what He needs to use to draw her closer to Himself.

It doesn't necessarily take away the pain, the questions or the tears, but it gives me a quiet place to rest until God is ready to show me why.

I heard this song by Steven Curtis Chapman recently and I felt like he wrote it about how I felt when I couldn't find the words. These words describe how I feel. And they remind me God is in Control!

Our God is in Control

This is not how it should be
This is not how it could be
This is how it is
And our God is in control

This is not how it will be
When we finally will see
We'll see with our own eyes
He was always in control

And we'll sing holy, holy, holy is our God
And we will finally really understand what it means
So we'll sing holy, holy, holy is our God
While we're waiting for that day

This is not where we planned to be
When we started this journey
But this is where we are
And our God is in control

Though this first taste is bitter
There will be sweetness forever
When we finally taste and see
That our God is in control

And we'll sing holy, holy, holy is our God
And we will finally really understand what it means
So we'll sing holy, holy, holy is our God
While we're waiting for that day

We're waiting for that day
We'll keep on waiting for that day
And we will rise
Our God is in control

(Holy, holy, holy) x2

Our God is in control

(Holy, holy, holy)

Our God is in control

(Holy, holy, holy)

Monday, January 3, 2011

Arggh...anxiety, worry, and fear...OH MY!

The last two months have been marked by anxiety, worry, and fear for me. I think a lot of people would say that it makes sense since we lost a baby, but for me it seems to go a whole lot deeper than that.

For me, it seems like I'm not trusting God. That I'm not trusting in WHO GOD IS.

My mom suggested a Bible Reading Plan that plan application on my phone that deals with grief. It is 5 days long, and I started last night just to see what it was all about.

So far I have read the following passages:

Genesis 23:1-20-Abraham loses Sarah, and he finds a place to bury her and remember her.
Genesis 37-Joseph's brothers tell their father Joseph was killed, and Jacob says he will mourn until he goes to Sheol to see Joseph.
Genesis 42-Joseph's brothers go to Egypt for food, and Joseph asks them to leave Simeon and bring back Benjamin. The brothers go home and tell Jacob the request, but Jacob refuses to send Benjamin because he has now lost 2 sons and doesn't want to lose a 3rd.
Ruth 1:1-21-Naomi loses her husband and sons in war. Naomi tells her daughters in law to go back to their mothers' houses. Orpah goes but Ruth will not go. She returns to Bethlehem and she tells them to call her Mara because the Almighty has made her life bitter, the Lord has afflicted her and brought misfortune upon her.
2 Samuel 12-David loses the son he conceived with Bathsheba while Uriah was at war. David fasts praying for God will be gracious and allow his son to live. David stops fasting when his son dies because he knows that his son will not return to him, but one day he will go to his son.
2 Samuel 18-David grieves the loss of his son Absalom, and says that he would have died in his place.
Job 1:6-22-Satan brings affliction upon Job because he believes that Job will not be faithful to God if he does not have all of the blessing that have been bestowed upon him. However, Job tears his clothes and worships God.
Psalm 23:1-6-David writes a psalm to God praising God for who He is and the peace He gives us.
Psalm 42:1-11-The psalmist writes how his soul longs for the Lord, and even though his soul is cast down he will praise the Lord.

And here is what I have learned:
No one is spared from mourning and grief. We all have to deal with it. It's normal to feel like God has brought this misfortune to you. However, it is important to realize that even though He allows misfortune He doesn't cause misfortune. Our souls long for Him, and need Him to get through grief. And it is important to praise heals the heart.