Where I've been and where I am now...an Update!

It's been 5 months since I was last in this little space. My heart has missed it, but so much has been going on that I didn't feel like I had time or energy to write. I mean, I was pregnant and chasing around a 2 year. Then the baby came. I'm just now feeling like I have my head above water and I don't need a nap everyday.

So here's what's been going on:
In March, Julia turned 2! We celebrated with a few friends and some family at the Austin Zoo, and then took a trip to Ft. Worth to visit Great-Grandparents. She got a Funny Face Pancake for her birthday breakfast...she only ate the chocolate chips and whip cream.

 From March through the beginning of April we took Childbirth Classes in hopes of having a VBAC, and it was recommended that I start seeing a chiropractor and getting acupuncture...BEST THING EVER! Even if you aren't pregnant I recommend both of these!

On April 19th, we welcomed Amelia Jane into our family at 8:40 AM. We instantly fell in love...how can you not fall in love with that face?

 Needless, to say between all of these things and the sleepless nights I'm just now getting back to the blog. I might not be here much because these two beautiful girls are keeping me busy, but I'll be here talking about what's happening in our family and what's on my heart. God's doing a great work in my life as a mom and now as a mom of two. I can't begin to put into words how blessed I am. We have a community that has rallied around us to celebrate Amelia's arrival, help out with Julia and provide meals. We've been eating some GOOD food.

I'm looking forward to being back on here, and sharing my heart with you. Love you all!

It's a New Year...2013!!

This past Sunday we had a pretty powerful sermon at church...well, God really used it to get my attention about this upcoming year and the resolution I need to make.

The sermon was out of Exodus 33 and 34 when God tells Moses to take the Israelites to the Promised Land, but He won't go with them. Moses tells God not to send them if His presence won't be with them.

I was really convicted about how I make resolutions each year. I always want to lose weight, eat healthy, exercise more. In and of themselves I believe those are good goals, but I never make them with God in mind. I make them because I want the approval of others, I want to control how people think of me or what they think of me, but never because that is what God has called me to.

So I've been praying the past couple of days about what I need to resolve to do this year. What is God calling me to do?

And then I remembered this verse that we sung from a song on Sunday:
" I surrender all to Jesus, I surrender all...Believing better things, Believing better things".

I've really struggled the last few years with surrendering ALL to Jesus. Some things are easy to surrender. Things like my dog, whether or not we have clothes to wear. Other things are harder...mainly my husband and my children.

I had a lot of anxiety early on in this pregnancy that Miss Amelia wouldn't make through the first trimester, then past 18 weeks, and now to the end. I'm nervous. I worry about the health of family. I wonder how I can raise two children if something happens to Paul. I wonder how I will survive if I lose another child.

And God has had us singing A LOT of songs at church about surrender. And one Sunday I couldn't sing the words because I didn't want to surrender. I often don't want to because that means I need to give up control. That scares the crap out of me. But God started working on my heart, and the more He chips away at my heart the more I realize that is what He wants from me...to SURRENDER ALL.

So this year's resolution is to Surrender All to God. My health, my husband, my children. Let Him have control, even though it scares me, because ultimately He is sovereign. He will use whatever happens for His glory and My good. 

Christmas, Santa, and Jesus

Oh my heart is so heavy right now. It's weird because as you can tell I'm thinking about Christmas. I LOVE Christmas.

Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. My love language is gift giving-enter Christmas. I LOVE giving gifts. When I was little I remember getting some super special gifts. One was some shirts decorated with puff paint that my Aunt Annie gave me. One was this ornament of Santa kneeling at the manger (I LOVED that ornament. I'm not sure what happened to it, but I still think about it. That's what I remember about Santa...him kneeling and worshiping Christ the Lord.). As we got older, we would draw names and each get $50 to spend on that person. I remember walking around Wal-mart trying to find the perfect gift for whomever I had. I wanted it to be special, thoughtful, about them. I don't remember the gifts I got when we drew names, but I remember the gift I got my dad, and shopping for a gift for my brother. I remember desperately wanting whatever I got him to show him how much I loved him. I'm not sure he knows that. I'm not even sure that he knows that I give gifts because that how I say "I love you."

 Now, I'm an adult and I have my own child and one on the way, and I don't know what to do about Santa.  I have fond memories of believing in Santa. I don't know that I believed he was omniscient and could see what I was doing. I don't know that I believed he would punish me if I was bad. I pretty sure my behavior didn't change during the holidays. I guess that's a good question for my parents. Anyway, I feel like there is a movement to get rid of Santa going on throughout the Christian Culture. And it isn't all Christians. (And this isn't a post about whether or not you are a Christian based on whether or not you do Santa with your kids). But there are people I love and respect that have very valid reasons for not doing Santa with there kids. Reasons that make me question whether or not I want to do Santa with my girls. But then there are people who have FABULOUS ideas about how to incorporate Santa into Christmas WITHOUT making it about Santa and focusing it on Christ.

Here's what is rolling around in my head:
1) Jesus is the MOST important thing in my life. Without Him I would have no HOPE. I want my girls to know Jesus, and for HIM to be the most important thing is their lives.
2) I don't want to have anything happen in our home that makes my children believe that we can have secrets from each other, or that it's okay to lie about some things but not others.
3) I want my relationship with my children to be based on trust.
4) I don't want to give Santa attributes that are God's attributes.

I've read two great blogs lately that have contributed to my confusion. BUT they have some GREAT ideas. This one talks about how their family does Santa and that they didn't start until their kids asked. I like that idea because Julia isn't asking which gives me time to figure out whether or not we are going to do Santa. And the second one talks about how this family does Elf on the Shelf, but not with Elf catching them being naughty, but the children learning how to teach grace and mercy to the Elf.

See, both GREAT ideas that incorporate Santa by still teaching Jesus and even teaching Grace and Mercy to kids.

Here's what we ARE doing:
1) Our kids each get 3 gifts and pajamas. The gifts are something they want, something they need, and a surprise. When they are older we will probably incorporate something to give in there.
2) Advent-once I figure out how to do it.
3) Serving the city as a family.

I feel like this is simple. I like simple. I don't want to make things more complicated. I don't want to make more things for me to do. I do want to teach my kids about why Jesus' birth is important. I want them to LOVE Him deeply and purely.

Thoughts? Ideas?

Anxiety in Pregnancy

Disclaimer: This was written about 6 weeks ago. I'm still struggling with this off and on. 


This isn't public knowledge yet...I'm 6 weeks pregnant. Something is different this time around. I feel more anxious.

With Julia and Owen I was so excited. I was peaceful. Well, until I lost Owen.

I think that's what the problem is. I think I'm anxious about losing this baby. I'm anxious about going into my first appointment and there not being a heart beat. I'm worried that in the next 34 weeks something is going to happen and I won't ever hold this baby in my arms.

However, I'm also anxious about how much having another baby is going to change Julia's life. I don't know how she will adapt. I don't know how she will get along with this new baby, and that scares me. I'm afraid she'll have a rough relationship with her sibling like I did/do with mine.

I know it's too late to think about all of this, but until I got pregnant I didn't think about this. I was worried about whether or not I could get pregnant. Now that I am, I worry about how this is going to rock Julia's world.

Not to mention I've been so sick that I feel like I'm neglecting Julia, and I only have 34 weeks of it just being the two of us.

Why is this so hard? Does anybody have any advice on how to deal with this? Did anyone else feel this way?