Does Anxiety=Failure?

I've struggled with anxiety for years. I think I struggled with it growing up, but didn't know it. I think that it's something many people struggle with but we don't talk about it. It's become worse since I became a mom.

When I have an anxiety attack it becomes hard for me to breathe. Everything inside me feels jumpy. Sometimes I get light headed. Sometimes I get nauseous. Sometimes I throw up.

Yesterday it happened to such an extent that I had to ask Paul to come home from work. I put Julia in her high chair with a piece of cheese and went to the bathroom and cried. I cried for hours. I would stop crying long enough to start again. I couldn't breathe. I thought I was going to throw up, but never did.

To be honest, being a mother is the scariest thing I've ever done. I desperately want to protect my daughter from the horrors of this world, and literally have emotional breakdowns because I can't.

Right now my daughter is laying in her crib chatting and laughing. Her sweet voice makes me smile. She is so sweet and innocent. She knows nothing of the horrible things that are happening all around her. I desperately want to keep her like that. I don't want her to ever learn of murder, rape, or any other violence. I don't want her to grow up in a world where young girls are forced into sexual slavery.

How do I protect her? How do I allow her to keep her innocence in the midst of all of this?

My desire is to not allow the horrible things I have experienced ever happen to my daughter or any of my children. But I feel like I can't control these things. And control is the one thing I so desperately desire when it comes to my child.

One thing I know is that silence isn't the answer. That keeping these thoughts and feelings to myself only allows the anxiety to fester. But, why don't we talk about it more? Why are we made to feel as if we are failures as human if we struggle with anxiety or depression? Why do I feel like I am failing my daughter?

And it's April

Last month my goal was to exercise, and I might have exercised 2 days out of the month. I did do a lot of reading, and realized that reading was my goal for this month. It seems I switched them.

So I've decided that I'm gonna keep reading this month. I'm currently reading "Water for Elephants". So far the beginning doesn't have me wanting to pick it up and not put it down, but I think I'll get there.

So I'm switching my March goal (to exercise) to April and my April goal (to read) to March. I'll keep you posted!

Julia Ruth turns 1!

On Sunday, March 11, 2012 my precious baby girl turned one year old. I can't believe that a year has already passed. My aunt sent me an email that said "the days are long, but the years are short." It's so true.

There have been many days this past year that I couldn't wait for a certain season to end. I couldn't wait for her to sleep through the night. I couldn't wait for her to become more active so we could do more things. Now that those times are gone, and she doesn't snuggle as much any more, I wish that she would wake up in the middle of the night and just snuggle. However, with each new season my heart abounds with joy when she says new words, the looks she gives me, the way she says "mama and dada". This little girl has brought so much joy into my life. I NEVER knew I could love so deeply. My life is forever changed.

I'm not gonna lie. Her birthday was also very hard for me. I woke up on Saturday prepared to celebrate her birthday, but not prepared for the immense sadness I would feel that Owen wasn't here with us. I wanted to be celebrating him too. And we did in our own little way, but I didn't think I would miss him so much. I wasn't prepared to still hurt for my son.

So we let a balloon go in honor of Owen. Just our little family of 3. Just a little something to acknowledge that Owen's life meant something to us. That even though it was short, it was special and made a lasting impact on our lives.

Then we went on to celebrate Julia Ruth. And that girl can party. She was so excited to have so much family come and play with her. She LOVED her first piece of cake, and once someone put a little in her mouth she devoured it.

Our family was so generous with gifts. Sweet girl got LOTS of new clothes which was wonderful because we are coming up on a season we don't have clothes for. She got some new toys that she enjoys playing with. One is her very own ball pit. She LOVES climbing in and out of it and throwing the balls out.

(I'll add pictures soon).


Sweet Julia,
You are one of God's biggest blessings to us. I love being your mama. I pray everyday that you would fall in love with the Lord. That He will give me wisdom to raise you in a way that would honor Him. I have learned more about who I am as a daughter of God from being your mom. I'm so proud of you, and I wait eagerly to see how you become who God has created you to be. I love you!! Happy 1st Birthday!

Month 2 Down and on to Month 3

Month 2 was harder than I expected, but I also did better than I expected. I was reminded about how much I love the Lord and how much He loves me! I was also reminded about how wonderful it is to worship Christ with fellow believers on Sunday morning. LOVE it!! I wasn't successful everyday, but I am doing better. I'm making progress!

This Month I am going to focus on exercise. That's right. Julia and I are going to go for walks and maybe jogs and enjoy being outside. And if we can't go out find something to do inside. I'm excited. I LOVE my little girl so much, and I love spending quality time with her. I also love how she is in the stage where she gets excited about everything. This month is gonna be good!