Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Does Anxiety=Failure?

I've struggled with anxiety for years. I think I struggled with it growing up, but didn't know it. I think that it's something many people struggle with but we don't talk about it. It's become worse since I became a mom.

When I have an anxiety attack it becomes hard for me to breathe. Everything inside me feels jumpy. Sometimes I get light headed. Sometimes I get nauseous. Sometimes I throw up.

Yesterday it happened to such an extent that I had to ask Paul to come home from work. I put Julia in her high chair with a piece of cheese and went to the bathroom and cried. I cried for hours. I would stop crying long enough to start again. I couldn't breathe. I thought I was going to throw up, but never did.

To be honest, being a mother is the scariest thing I've ever done. I desperately want to protect my daughter from the horrors of this world, and literally have emotional breakdowns because I can't.

Right now my daughter is laying in her crib chatting and laughing. Her sweet voice makes me smile. She is so sweet and innocent. She knows nothing of the horrible things that are happening all around her. I desperately want to keep her like that. I don't want her to ever learn of murder, rape, or any other violence. I don't want her to grow up in a world where young girls are forced into sexual slavery.

How do I protect her? How do I allow her to keep her innocence in the midst of all of this?

My desire is to not allow the horrible things I have experienced ever happen to my daughter or any of my children. But I feel like I can't control these things. And control is the one thing I so desperately desire when it comes to my child.

One thing I know is that silence isn't the answer. That keeping these thoughts and feelings to myself only allows the anxiety to fester. But, why don't we talk about it more? Why are we made to feel as if we are failures as human if we struggle with anxiety or depression? Why do I feel like I am failing my daughter?

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

And it's April

Last month my goal was to exercise, and I might have exercised 2 days out of the month. I did do a lot of reading, and realized that reading was my goal for this month. It seems I switched them.

So I've decided that I'm gonna keep reading this month. I'm currently reading "Water for Elephants". So far the beginning doesn't have me wanting to pick it up and not put it down, but I think I'll get there.

So I'm switching my March goal (to exercise) to April and my April goal (to read) to March. I'll keep you posted!