Friday, December 31, 2010

My New Year's Resolution

In the past I have pretty much given up on making a resolution because I hate when I don't stick to it because I feel like I have let myself down. However, this year there are some things I HAVE to change because we're having a baby so hopefully I will do a better job.

So here goes:
1) Plan meals and grocery shop weekly.

2) Cook dinner every night.

3) Start shopping with coupons. (Any tips on this would be helpful...I don't even know where to get coupons.)

4) Stick to our budget.

5) Look at consignment shops for baby stuff, and clothes.

6) Read my Bible every day.

7) Go to work every day mission minded.

I think that's all. Please pray that God will help me do this because, let's face it, I can't do this on my own. I have proven that.

Happy New Year!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

You're Not Alone

I'm sitting on my couch catching up on my blog reading while Paul is at the grocery store, and getting dinner. I'm listening to the music I have playing on my blog as I read. I began to re-read my last post and remember how broken I was that day. As my counselor says it was a slinky day.

Let me counselor told me that grief is like a slinky. It isn't a continuum that you move through each day and you are done grieving. Slinkies are circular. Grief is circular. There are days that you will go through every stage of grief, but as time goes by you will not go through each stage as often. Just like a slinky.

A few days ago I was just so sad. I was a little overwhelmed by the sadness. Realizing that I will never spend a Christmas with Owen broke me. I can't explain why that was such a big deal other than the fact that I show love by giving gifts. I love to see the excitement on others faces when they open a gift that was chosen just for them. Especially children. I will never see Owen's face. I will never see the excitement of Owen opening a present.

I think that the one place Satan really takes advantage of me is telling me that I am alone in all of this. He tells me that I'm the only one who has ever experienced this pain. I'm the only one who has ever been this heart broken. No one else knows how I feel.

Satan is a BIG, FAT, LIAR.

For one, God knows what it is like to lose a son and I believe that He understands my heart.

Secondly, almost immediately my sister contacted Laura at String of Pearls to get resources for me. Laura was able to send a blog of a family who also lost a twin.

Finally, time and time again I talk to people who know someone who has lost a twin in pregnancy or were the surviving twin. It's far more common than we know.

These things don't make me hurt less. They make me realize I'm not alone. I'm not the only one who has ever hurt like this before. Most importantly, God doesn't leave His children to go through struggles on their own. All throughout scripture God reminds us HE IS OUR REFUGE! Jesus tells us when we are weary to go to Him.

1 Peter 5:9-11 ESV
[9] Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. [10] And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. [11] To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen.

This verse has brought so much comfort to me knowing that 1) the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by believers throughout the world. 2) This will only last a little while. 3) God has called me to HIS eternal glory. 4) HE WILL RESTORE, CONFIRM, STRENGTHEN, AND ESTABLISH me. Because God loves me He is not standing idly by watching me hurt. He is using this for His glory whether I see it right now or not. He is good, and He does good.

As I'm sitting here I have heard "You're Not Alone" by Meredith Andrews at least 3 times. Every time I have heard it I have smiled because it is God's reminding me that I'm NOT alone. He is here and has been here everyday, loving me, my whole life. And He loves Owen, and He loves Julia. He loves my children so much more than I can possibly ask or imagine. His love overwhelms me.

All of this to say the lyrics of this song speak to my heart, and I want to share them with you.

You're Not Alone

I search for love
When the night came and it closed in
I was alone
but you found me where I was hiding
and now I'll never ever be the same
It was the sweetest voice that called my name

You're not alone
for I am here
let me wipe away your every fear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
and I'm the one who's loved you all your life
All of your life

You cry yourself to sleep
cause the hurt is real
and the pain cuts deep
All hope seems lost
With heartache your closest friend
and everyone else long gone

You've had to face the music on your own
but there is a sweeter song that calls you home

You're not alone
for I am here
let me wipe away your every tear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest nights
And I'm the one who's loved you all your life
All your life

Faithful and true... Forever
For my love will carry you....

You're not alone
for I... I am here
let me wipe away every fear... Oh yeah
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through your darkest night
Your darkest night
And I'm the one who's loved you all your life
All of your life

I pray that this encourages you as much as it has encouraged me.

Monday, December 20, 2010


I've always dreamt of being pregnant. I've imagined how amazing it would be to grow a life inside of me, give birth, and then hold that precious being in my arms.

Now that I am pregnant, and I am experiencing all of these wonderful things I'm also realizing that there is so much that is involved with pregnancy that I wasn't prepared for.

I think for some women it may be this completely miraculous and inspiring experience where everything is perfect and you never worry. However, it hasn't been that way for me. As you can imagine losing Owen began a long road of anxiety and worry for me.

I would actually like to take a poll and see how many women actually go through all of their pregnancies without worry, concern, or something going wrong. Sometimes I feel like something must be wrong with me because I just don't take it as another trial but I often feel like I'm completely irrational and falling apart.

I can talk about decorating Julia's room and be really excited, but when it comes to doing it I panic because I don't want a room in my house decorated for a baby if I lose her. I don't want a place to go where all I do is think about her. A place that is meant just for her.

My heart aches daily for Owen. I wonder what it would have been like to hold that sweet little boy. I wonder what kind of man he would have grown up to be. I wonder what kind of brother would he have been to Julia. I wonder what their relationship would have been like. I also know that God doesn't wonder those things. God knew how short Owen's life was going to be. God is holding Owen so He knows. I won't know for awhile if ever what it will be like to hold my baby boy. It breaks my heart.

Being pregnant during Christmas is an interesting experience since there is often talk about Mary and Elizabeth being pregnant with Jesus and John. I understand the excitement of feeling your baby move, and what Elizabeth meant when she said "he leapt in my womb". I often feel like Julia is leaping. She seems so excited. I imagine that Mary had to be so uncomfortable riding on a donkey since I'm uncomfortable riding in car. My heart is so grateful for this baby that I am carrying, but so overwhelmed with grief for the baby we lost. I'm sad when I feel her move and know I won't be feeling him. I'm sad when we see ultrasounds of her and her activity and healthy body and know that if the doctor looks at him he's just shrinking away. He's not playing with her, he's not pushing her for space. Nothing.

I wonder if she misses him. I wonder if she knows he's not there. I wonder if she will ever be able to express what it's like to lose a brother none of us ever knew.

I often wonder if I will ever be able to get pregnant again. One because it was so hard this time, and because it has been such an emotional toll. I guess that is one thing I'm learning to surrender to God. That if He wants us to be pregnant and bear more children He will do it. If He wants us to adopt He will do it.

One thing that I don't understand is these girls who sleep around not thinking about the consequences, and when they get pregnant can make the choice not to carry that child to term. Do their hearts hurt as much as mine does when this wasn't my choice? Do they continue to go about their lives with relief that they aren't a mom? Do they love that child? Do they grieve the loss?

I'm not sure what the point of this post is now that I'm done. I think I just needed to write. It's therapy.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

One Month

It's hard for me to believe that a whole month has gone by since we lost Owen. The first week seemed to drag on, and there were many times that I felt like months had gone by. Now, a month later, I'm looking back and can't believe that a month has passed.

So what has God been doing the past month? A LOT! I can't believe the healing that has happened. I still grieve over Owen, but healing is happening. I've only made 2 unnecessary, irrational trips to the doctor to check on Julia. However, one of them was the best appointment we've had because I felt her kick for the first time.

However, I still find myself anxious about whether or not she'll make it to delivery. I feel paralyzed sometimes, and God reminds me HE IS IN CONTROL! Last night, a friend was asking for prayer at small group, and our leader asked "How do we know that God is going to restore this relationship?" I found myself saying "Because God is Good and He does GOOD!" That's how I know. It wasn't something I thought, and hoped it was true. It has become something I truly believe. It amazes me that a month ago I was repeating that phrase to myself over and over again to give myself peace about losing Owen, and now that is my natural response when asked "How do we know God will do...?"

God is Good! God does Good! I rest in that, and I rest in His peace because without Him I'm a basket case, but with His peace I can function and have hope for my baby girl.

With that said...we are officially 23 weeks! 14 more to go and she can come into this world! I better get ready!!