Wednesday, December 31, 2008

It seems I'm not the only one

So I haven't posted in awhile because there really isn't anything to say. No new updates in our life or in this process of trying to conceive. We went on birth control a few months ago and this past Sunday I had a pretty bad anxiety attack. We started doing some research and apparently lots of women have anxiety on this particular brand. We also started thinking about when I have anxiety and we realized every time I have had an anxiety attack I have been on some kind of manufactured hormone. I actually never had an anxiety attack until I was on birth control.

So the nurse says I need to come in and talk to them, and we should consider going on something like Zoloft. I'm not saying I don't need medicine for the anxiety, but I am saying that if a person never has it before being on hormones and there is a link then it pretty much explains it to me. She was also concerned because of the PCOS there is no way to regulate my cycle if we aren't trying to get pregnant without the birth control pills. Well, I'm sorry, but I am not going to take them if they cause anxiety...we will HAVE to figure something else out. I'm almost positive that there is something natural that can know like exercising and losing weight. I know that is up to me, but I am almost positive that with a little self-control and motivation I can do it.

I also have been having a lot of friends get pregnant and have babies recently. After a miscarriage in September it is harder to deal with, but I want to be happy for them...I just also want it to be me. However, it makes sense for us to have at least one job between the two of us. I'm just frustrated!

Monday, October 20, 2008

New Kids On The Block

This has nothing to do with TTC, fertility or PCOS, but is does have to do with my life. Sunday night I had the immense pleasure of going with a great friend to see New Kids On The Block in concert at the American Airlines Center in Dallas. My dear husband bought me a ticket for my birthday. Lauren and I had a great time, and it was like no other concert I have ever seen. Hands down the best I have ever been to. My parents didn't allow me to have any NKOTB stuff growing up so this was my rebellion coming out. However, these guys are AMAZING performers, and they give you a show that takes your breath away.

We also had really great seats, and got some amazing pictures when they came down to the circular stage. Some old lady with a boring bra threw it on the stage. I kept thinking to myself...if you are going to give them your bra at least make it cute. Something colorful, lacy or animal print. No it was a plain, boring, playtex bra. Who would have thought. Anyway, I had a great time, and wish I was still there, but a husband who is kind enough to send you to Dallas with one of your closest friends for the one that you want to come back home to. So it is nice to be home with him, but it was a dream come true. Thank you my love for sending me!!!

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

When you don't know what to say...

Some of you know that I have been a little sensitive lately, and for those of you whom I love and respect dearly, but you can't comprehend how I am feeling on this journey of trying to conceive...I found this on a friend's blog and it really is enlightening. So this post is dedicated to those of you who really want to be supportive, but don't know what to say. Infertility Etiquette.

I hope this helps as you are being supportive of me.


Monday, September 15, 2008

Looks like I will still be waiting...

I heard from a pretty solid source today that Williams Elementary was assigned a 2nd grade teacher from a school who had cut classrooms. So it looks like I will still be waiting for my teaching position, but God is faithful.

Waiting, Waiting, Waiting.........................................

So this morning around 8:05am I called Williams Elementary School, and the principal was not available so I had to leave a voice mail. On the voice mail she said she would return your call in 24 hours. So now we are playing the waiting game. I am beginning to think after all of this waiting we have been doing that maybe God is trying to teach me patience. If you know me at all, you probably know that I am an immediate results girl. Over the last several months I have not gotten any immediate results when I have wanted them...whether it be Paul getting a job, having a baby, getting to drive, or me getting a job it all comes back to waiting.

This reminds me of a verse...Isaiah 40:31.."but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." If you notice the first word is 'but'. Right before this Isaiah says in verse 28 "Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; His understanding is unsearchable." In verse 30 it says "Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted;".

I looked up the meaning of the phrase "wait for" could also have been translated "hope in", and it means to expect, and then a few words down it said patiently. I think God is telling me to hope in Him, to wait expectantly for Him, to be patient because He won't let me grow weary.

Looks like I have been waiting on the wrong things...I need to be waiting on God.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Good News!!!

Yesterday I went to Williams Elementary School to substitute for the librarian. This is the wonderful school that allowed me to do my student teaching there. I fell in love with the environment of this school, the teachers and staff, and the students. I have been praying that I could get a permanent teaching job there, and over the summer I was told that they might need to hire another second grade teacher.

Here is the good news...yesterday the principal got the call that she can hire another teacher. She was told by another staff person to hire me. She asked me if I was interested, and told me to call her on Monday. So I am praying hard this weekend that when I call on Monday she says "Can you start tomorrow?" I am so excited I can't stand it!

Thursday, September 11, 2008


Today was a much better day. I was a little sad this morning, and later when my grandma teared up telling me she understands right where I am. But for the most part I have been in good spirits and had a lot of fun. I think it helps when I can help others and not focus so much on what is going on with me. I know I do need to deal with this loss, but I don't need to obsess over it.

However, I feel like I am quite moody today. I feel like I am more likely to spout off with my opinions than remain calm and think before I speak. I need prayer in that because more than likely it has to do with my sin nature than with hormones I think.

I have to say that I have a wonderful husband who is doing a great job taking care of me. He is there to listen when I need him, hold me, and ask for kisses knowing that I need affection too. I have noticed that my family is trying to make sure that I am okay...and to those of you reading this I want you to know that I am...he is providing and protecting me in these hard times, and he is a blessing.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

This pain in my chest

I never thought that I could feel this way. I never thought that my heart could hurt so bad, or that I could feel like my heart is just being torn out of my chest. And there is nothing that I can do to make it go away.

I keep asking why, and I know that I may not get an answer. I know that God has a grand plan, but I can't help but wonder why this little life that started growing in me just a little while ago is gone. I thought that it wouldn't hurt so bad since we never had an ultrasound or got to hear a heart beat, but a friend told me a loss no matter how early is a loss. And right now it is so true.

It is really strange because people say that as early along as I was I wasn't experiencing any symptoms of being pregnant, but for a while I was really sensitive to certain smells, my breasts were tender, and I was definitely more picky about what I ate. But on Sunday morning when I started bleeding and cramping everything changed. I knew that something was wrong.

All I know is that I hurt, I am sad, and I want some answers. But I don't know where to get them...

Monday, September 8, 2008

Just to let you know...

The tests came back saying that I am no longer pregnant. The nurse said that we can keep trying for this cycle, but right now I am not sure that I want to. I think this is going to have to be a decision we make after some healing takes place. And I think that this is something God is going to have to show us what to do.

Anyway, please keep us in your prayers because this is a really difficult time. We know God has a plan, but we aren't sure what it is.

Something I found out this morning...

So I talked to the nurse from my doctor's office and she said that I needed to come in for them to check my levels of hCG and progesterone. I just got back from that, and I have a positive outlook because the lady in the lab got me on the first stick! That might not be such a big deal to you, but it is to me.

The nurse said that because before I had gotten a positive pregnancy test I got a negative pregnancy test that there is no way that the positive was from residual hCG from the shot I got earlier. So that means the positive pregnancy test and positive blood test were both telling me I really am pregnant. However, now the hCG numbers need to go up so that we know the bleeding is not an early miscarriage or what they call a chemical pregnancy. Basically it means the egg fertilized and never fully implanted.

So if you think about us today say a little prayer. The nurse said if I could get there this morning they could let me know by this afternoon the results of my blood work.

I'll update after I hear from the nurse.

Sunday, September 7, 2008


***WARNING: This may contain more details than what you really want to know...BE CAREFUL!!***

If you are reading this you know that we have been trying to get pregnant for awhile. What you may or may not know is that my faith has been tested far beyond what I actually knew it could be.

Our small group has been studying Hebrews and the last few weeks we were on Hebrews 11. As you may recall Hebrews 11:1 says "Now FAITH is the assurance (or evidence) of things hoped for, the conviction (or substance) of things not seen."

I looked up HOPE on and one of the definition says "to place trust, rely". I am sitting here typing this as this week has been a roller coaster of events that may climax on Monday or Tuesday depending on the speediness of test results. However, I am struggling with relying on God...with placing my trust in Him. I know that He has a great plan which I don't know. I know that He wants what is best for me, but sometimes that comes at a cost. Sometimes what I think is best for me is not what God says is best for me. And I am slowly realizing that what is best for me is to be holy. What is best for me is to allow Him to continue this process of sanctification regardless of what it costs me.

Here is the skinny on the last few weeks. I went in for my Cycle Day 12 Follicle Scan and my Follicles were at 16 mm. That is ginormous for girl who has had them at 5 mm and 7 mm the past few months. So the very sweet nurse practitioner told me to come in on Monday for a second follicle scan. Monday was Cycle Day 15 and they were at 23 mm. So my doctor gave me an hCG shot to force me to ovulate within 24 hours and sent us home to do what God gave married couples to do.

After 11 days of waiting I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. That was what I expected. After 14 days of waiting I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I called the doctor. The nurse said come in for blood test. So I did. My hCG level was at 7. Now technically that means that I was pregnant because anything over 5 means you are pregnant, but the numbers need to rise. The nurse told me to come in on Monday (September 8th) for another blood test. Saturday night I started spotting...major freak out. However, it was pink and the nurse assured me I was fine, and to call if it changed. I woke up this morning and it had changed. It was bright red and like a light period. I called the nurse and she told me that this is somewhat normal but if it got worse to call her back in an hour. It has been two hours and it is about the same. She told me to call on Monday (Septemeber 8th), and talk to my doctor's nurse and tell them the events of the weekend. She also said I need to come in for a blood test to make sure the hCG levels are rising. If they are rising she said everything is probably fine. Apparently many women have period like bleeding throughout their pregnancies and this NORMAL!! No one ever explained that to me in Health Class...but it was taught by the boys basketball coach and I am almost positive that he didn't feel comfortable talking about women bleeding. However, if the level hasn't risen or is lower that is not good and it could mean that this was a chemical pregnancy.

I know what you are could she get a shot of hCG and then take a pregnancy test that tests for hCG? Well, that is where the chemical pregnancy comes in. The positive tests could have been that they detected residual hCG from the shot. However, if you get a negative test that is supposed to mean that there was no residual hCG from the shot in my system so it wouldn't have detected it. And the hCG that was detected was actually what was being produced by sperm and egg meeting. Another definition of a chemical pregnancy is that the egg didn't completely implant into the uterine lining causing you to start your period a few days late. This would give you a positive test result, and sometimes a negative test result a few days later, and then the start of your period. From what I have read most women wouldn't even know they were pregnant, and just thought that their period was starting later. The downside of the super sensitive pregnancy tests is that once you get a positive test you think you are pregnant and then have to morn the loss of the fetus.

So where does hope come in now? Well between today and tomorrow I have to rely on God more than ever. That He will guard my heart and whatever the outcome of the blood test is He will use for His glory. I will admit to you that I am scared, but God did not give me a spirit of fear, but of power, of love and of self-control (or sound mind some versions read)...2 Timothy 1:7. I also know that God doesn't ever give us more than we can handle. We may think we can't handle it, but I believe He wants us there to depend on Him.

My temptation is to give into fear, to give into doubt, and to turn and run and be angry. However, as I finish this post I have a sense of peace. I know whether this is a chemical pregnancy or a real pregnancy that God is going to take to full term...I know God is giving me His strength to walk through this. It is a little weird to be this at peace about it, but that is one reason why I started this blog. Because journaling helps me relax. And if this helps someone else then God is glorified!

Here is my final thought "And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7.

God has got me right where I need to His hands. I will give you an update as soon as I know the results of the blood the meantime pray for God's glory to be reavealed.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Decisions have been made

So we made some decisions about whether or not we should keep trying. We are praying that we are following God's plan for our life.

The good news is I finally found out why my doctor put me on birth control for 14 days every time my follicles are developed are the right size. It is because supposedly the birth control pill allows my ovaries to rest for 2 weeks then with the Metformin and the Femara it overloads my ovaries and tells them to get to work.

I hope that they start working on there own...we will see.

Friday, August 1, 2008

On Hold?

So on day 12 of my last cycle we went in for a follicle scan and my follicles still weren't developing so we stopped that cycle (meaning that I go on birth control for 14 days), I continue to take 500 mg of Metformin twice a day and 5mg of Femara days 5-9.

I saw the on-call doc since day 12 was a Saturday, and he had some blood drawn and I am still waiting for the results. However, since neither of us have a job right now and not ovulating is only causing more stress we have talked about going back on birth control for the time being and just taking a break until life settles down.

I know everyone says that if wait until you are ready to have kids you won't ever have them, but I think that if we really want to provide the best home for our future children we might want to wait until we can at least pay to live.

Also, my weight went up this week...which really sucks, but I did get my book in the mail "The Natural Diet Solution for PCOS and Infertility" by Nancy Dunne. It is quite informative so I am hoping the more I read I will be able to change my diet and see some results...

I will keep you posted!

Monday, July 21, 2008

My story...

As long as I can remember I have had irregular periods, and been a little heavier than my friends. My freshman year in college I was at Angelo State University in San Angelo, TX. The campus is completely flat, very small campus and there was a microwave/refrigerator in my dorm room. Needless to say when you combine that with a TV I gained the freshman 15 and then some. I transferred to Southwest Texas State University the next year, and lived at home. I had classes three days a week and thought that because they were all Theatre classes they would all be in the same building...I was wrong. One of my classes was on the other side of campus up an enormous hill, and I had 10 minutes to get there. That semester I also joined the gym, and took a Modern Dance class. I toned and lost some of that weight. However, once I moved on to campus I struggled a lot more with exercising and healthy eating and gained some of it back, but I stayed at about 165 lbs until I got engaged to my husband.

I am not sure if it was going on birth control that caused the weight gain or stress, but I gained about 15 lbs. After the wedding we realized that I don't handle stress well, and I was sick all of the time. I was also diagnosed with epilepsy so my weight fluctuated between 180 lbs. and 190 lbs. As soon as I was able to learn how to deal with stress I have gained weight. My birth control pill was changed from Ortho-Tri-cyclen Lo to Ovcon 35. The dose of estrogen went from a lower dose of estrogen to 35 mcg. My ob/gyn said that because I have epilepsy I needed to be on at least 35mcg of estrogen. I have now come to find out that I was misinformed. You see, that is only true if you are on an enzyme inducing seizure medication, and I was not...nor have I ever been. My husband and I decided two years ago to start trying to have children. We went off the pill and when I would have a period it was once every 5 months. I was overweight, had horrible acne, and extra hair growth on my chin and below my belly button. During that time I had a seizure, was hospitalized so I could have a video EEG. My seizure medicine was changed and my ob/gyn put me back on Ovcon 35 for 6 months because she wasn't comfortable with the medication my neurologist prescribed. I trusted her judgement at the time, but as soon as I went off of it I once again went to cycles that were once every 5 months. She put me on Prometrium to make sure I had my cycle every month and after 3 months I had a severe anxiety attack. All my doctor told the nurse to tell me after a 3 day wait was that I didn't have to take it, but after 3 months if I didn't have my period then I had to go back on it. My first thought was...I'm not sure if that is what you need to tell someone who has just had an anxiety attack because of a medication that you put them on, and my second thought was I need a new doctor.

In May, I went to a new doctor, and after he heard my story he did a vaginal ultrasound and confirmed that I do have PCOS. He started me on 500mg of Metformin and 2.5mg of Femara days 5-9. On cycle day 12 I went in for a follicle study and they measured 7 mm...apparently when you are close to ovulation your follicles should be at 18 mm-20 mm. So he put me on birth control pill for 14 days, continued the Metformin, and increased the Femara to 5mg on days 5-9. I went in for a follicle study on Saturday (July 19) and still my follicles were measuring 5-7 mm. The doctor ordered some blood work, and now I get to wait to see what the next step is.

In the mean time, I know 8 people that are having babies between September and February. It is that time that I ask God "why them and not me?" even though I know His timing is perfect. I wonder what should I do I need to really work at losing weight? So I have decided that I am going to cut out fast food and soft drinks, and manage my portions. I have used My Food Diary before, and it worked quite I think I will try that again. And I will weigh in every week. So hopefully we will all see a little progress. In the mean time...Trust in the Lord..

Saturday, July 19, 2008


I decided to write this blog because I can't find anything out there where I can voice my struggles and really get support. I can't reflect on how I feel, and I can't find a place where I can help someone else who is struggling. So my purpose for this blog is to help myself minimize the anxiety as I deal with PCOS, weight loss, and trying to conceive, and to give someone else an easy place to find comfort, and listening ear, and some resources I so desperately needed.

My prayer is that this blog would help me to reflect on who Christ is in my life, and to depend on Him and His timing for children. That this blog would be a safe place to ask questions, find answers, and encourage each other.

If you stumbled upon this blog...I pray that God would use it for His glory to minister to you, and that we can walk through this journey together.

Here's to complete dependence on God...