Sunday, September 7, 2008

Hope

***WARNING: This may contain more details than what you really want to know...BE CAREFUL!!***

If you are reading this you know that we have been trying to get pregnant for awhile. What you may or may not know is that my faith has been tested far beyond what I actually knew it could be.

Our small group has been studying Hebrews and the last few weeks we were on Hebrews 11. As you may recall Hebrews 11:1 says "Now FAITH is the assurance (or evidence) of things hoped for, the conviction (or substance) of things not seen."

I looked up HOPE on dictionary.com and one of the definition says "to place trust, rely". I am sitting here typing this as this week has been a roller coaster of events that may climax on Monday or Tuesday depending on the speediness of test results. However, I am struggling with relying on God...with placing my trust in Him. I know that He has a great plan which I don't know. I know that He wants what is best for me, but sometimes that comes at a cost. Sometimes what I think is best for me is not what God says is best for me. And I am slowly realizing that what is best for me is to be holy. What is best for me is to allow Him to continue this process of sanctification regardless of what it costs me.

Here is the skinny on the last few weeks. I went in for my Cycle Day 12 Follicle Scan and my Follicles were at 16 mm. That is ginormous for girl who has had them at 5 mm and 7 mm the past few months. So the very sweet nurse practitioner told me to come in on Monday for a second follicle scan. Monday was Cycle Day 15 and they were at 23 mm. So my doctor gave me an hCG shot to force me to ovulate within 24 hours and sent us home to do what God gave married couples to do.

After 11 days of waiting I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. That was what I expected. After 14 days of waiting I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I called the doctor. The nurse said come in for blood test. So I did. My hCG level was at 7. Now technically that means that I was pregnant because anything over 5 means you are pregnant, but the numbers need to rise. The nurse told me to come in on Monday (September 8th) for another blood test. Saturday night I started spotting...major freak out. However, it was pink and the nurse assured me I was fine, and to call if it changed. I woke up this morning and it had changed. It was bright red and like a light period. I called the nurse and she told me that this is somewhat normal but if it got worse to call her back in an hour. It has been two hours and it is about the same. She told me to call on Monday (Septemeber 8th), and talk to my doctor's nurse and tell them the events of the weekend. She also said I need to come in for a blood test to make sure the hCG levels are rising. If they are rising she said everything is probably fine. Apparently many women have period like bleeding throughout their pregnancies and this NORMAL!! No one ever explained that to me in Health Class...but it was taught by the boys basketball coach and I am almost positive that he didn't feel comfortable talking about women bleeding. However, if the level hasn't risen or is lower that is not good and it could mean that this was a chemical pregnancy.

I know what you are thinking...how could she get a shot of hCG and then take a pregnancy test that tests for hCG? Well, that is where the chemical pregnancy comes in. The positive tests could have been that they detected residual hCG from the shot. However, if you get a negative test that is supposed to mean that there was no residual hCG from the shot in my system so it wouldn't have detected it. And the hCG that was detected was actually what was being produced by sperm and egg meeting. Another definition of a chemical pregnancy is that the egg didn't completely implant into the uterine lining causing you to start your period a few days late. This would give you a positive test result, and sometimes a negative test result a few days later, and then the start of your period. From what I have read most women wouldn't even know they were pregnant, and just thought that their period was starting later. The downside of the super sensitive pregnancy tests is that once you get a positive test you think you are pregnant and then have to morn the loss of the fetus.

So where does hope come in now? Well between today and tomorrow I have to rely on God more than ever. That He will guard my heart and whatever the outcome of the blood test is He will use for His glory. I will admit to you that I am scared, but God did not give me a spirit of fear, but of power, of love and of self-control (or sound mind some versions read)...2 Timothy 1:7. I also know that God doesn't ever give us more than we can handle. We may think we can't handle it, but I believe He wants us there to depend on Him.

My temptation is to give into fear, to give into doubt, and to turn and run and be angry. However, as I finish this post I have a sense of peace. I know whether this is a chemical pregnancy or a real pregnancy that God is going to take to full term...I know God is giving me His strength to walk through this. It is a little weird to be this at peace about it, but that is one reason why I started this blog. Because journaling helps me relax. And if this helps someone else then God is glorified!

Here is my final thought "And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7.

God has got me right where I need to be...in His hands. I will give you an update as soon as I know the results of the blood test...in the meantime pray for God's glory to be reavealed.

1 comment:

The Engelhardt 4 said...

I love you so much. Hang in there, His plan will be revealed when He is ready to reveal it.

Remember not to worry about tomorrow, take care of today first.