Saturday, May 23, 2009

To my loved ones...

Warning: This post may piss you off ....please read with caution.

So today I found out that I will have a new niece or nephew in January. This is normally exciting news , but for me it is bittersweet since we have been on the TTC journey for much longer than I expected or ever desired to be.

For my family and friends who are expecting or have a little one please don't be offended that I may not jump for joy with your news or want to spend a lot of time with you. Please know that I love you very much, I know what a miracle this little life that you have created is, and I am overwhelmed with joy for you. However, there will be times that I need to grieve the loss of my little one who never made it to this world. I need to be frustrated that my one heart's desire is taking longer to come to fruition, and I need a safe place for all of that to land.

Often times this blog is my safe place. It is where raw emotion can be read by the world. But it is just that...raw emotion. It is completely void of any logical reason. I need to feel and express that emotion before I can ever get to a logical response.

Please be sensitive to the situation we are in because it is definitely delicate. Know that we don't want you to have to walk on egg shells around us, but there are going to be times that are more difficult than others. I am just asking for you to be sensitive.

I love you, and I love you little one who will be here soon. I hope that you will have a cousin coming along before you know it.

Monday, May 11, 2009


So I know that those of you reading this know that this is me dealing with PCOS so you aren't going to be surprised by this post, but you need to be warned I'm going to talk about my PERIOD!

I have been cramping the last few days, and today after lunch VOILA! Aunt Flow decided to come for a visit. This is tremendously exciting news because this is the shortest cycle I have had NOT on birth control. 56 days! I know all of you "NORMAL" cyclers probably wish you could go 5 months with out having this little visit, but you should know it isn't good for your body...ESPECIALLY when you want to get pregnant. So I still need to figure out if I am ovulating on my own, but I have gone from 150 day cycle to a 74 day cycle to a 56 day cycle in a year! How exciting is this?!?!? Anyway, I am hoping that this next month I have a shorter cycle by at least 18 days....wouldn't that be AMAZING that I have cycle within the normal 21-36 day range!!!! I am totally stoked!

In other not so gross news...I am teaching 5th grade for the rest of the school year while a teacher is out because she broke her wrist. I have to say they make my life interesting. Let's just say we have a love/hate relationship. There are times they hate me, and then they want to hug me and I am awesome. There are times I hate them, and I love them and want to hug them! They definitely keep me on my toes.

This summer I am going to nanny for a family I got to know while I was teaching at Primrose School of Shady Hollow. They have a daughter who is 6 years old and a little boy who is 4 months old! They are so adorable and sweet! I am bound to have a FABULOUS summer!

Also, I have gotten to know so LOVELY ladies on who also have PCOS and are trying to concieve. There are a group of us who are going to try and lose weight together...say some prayers we all need it. According to the research just losing 10% of your body weight can restore your cycles to normal and induce ovulation! So please pray for us as we will be working out booties off (literally)! Well, maybe not mine... my dearest friend Raven insists my ghetto booty is here to stay no matter how much weight I lose. Honestly, I like my booty so I don't mind.

As you can tell...I am in a playful mood tonight so please just laugh at me and leave a note! I love all of you friends who faithfully keep up with me in the blog world!

Friday, May 1, 2009

There are no words for what I am feeling...

It seems that things have been really good right now, but my heart is a little tender. In 1o days is the due date of our little one that has already gone to be with Jesus. I was hoping to get pregnant again by now because I thought if I did I wouldn't have to feel this heart ache. I'm not sure if that is true, but I do know that I am really hurting right now and I'm not sure I was prepared for this.

I'm a little sad that my college roommate is having her baby in a few days, and hasn't talked to me in awhile because it was too hard for her to deal with me having a miscarriage. I'm sad when my friends who are pregnant or who have just had babies feel like they can't share their joy with me because I lost my little one and they don't want to cause me any more pain.

The truth is I am genuinely ecstatic for these people, but that doesn't mean I'm not missing my own. I know that God has big plans in store for us, and He has the right children for me, but does it have to hurt so much?

I'm trying to stay joyful, keep myself busy, and focus on all the other things going on in my life. However, with Paul working at night I have a lot of time to myself, and I can either watch mindless TV or think. Sometimes I prefer the mindless TV so that I don't have to feel what I am thinking, but sometimes it is okay to think and feel and get it out.

So I'm here at the beginning of May thinking that in a few days I should be delivering my baby, and I'm not. I'm thinking that it sucks, but I know that God has a plan. I'm thinking I shouldn't have watched "Marley and Me" because it made me cry and I'm all alone....crying. My dogs are even looking at me like I'm nuts.

I often wonder too why men don't feel the same way we do...I know God made us different. But I really want to see Paul cry over us losing our baby. He doesn't. I'm not sure if it is because I was carrying this child and it resonated with me more...or if it was the hormones but I just feel like I want to be able to fix this. I want to be able to make myself be able to get pregnant and stay that way...for 9 months ONLY!! But I can't do anything more than wish, cry and pray. I know God has big plans for us, but I want to know about them, and I want it all to happen right now. Selfish I know.

God's timing is perfect, but how do I let go and wait for the one thing I have wanted more in my life than anything else? That is the question...