Friday, May 1, 2009

There are no words for what I am feeling...

It seems that things have been really good right now, but my heart is a little tender. In 1o days is the due date of our little one that has already gone to be with Jesus. I was hoping to get pregnant again by now because I thought if I did I wouldn't have to feel this heart ache. I'm not sure if that is true, but I do know that I am really hurting right now and I'm not sure I was prepared for this.

I'm a little sad that my college roommate is having her baby in a few days, and hasn't talked to me in awhile because it was too hard for her to deal with me having a miscarriage. I'm sad when my friends who are pregnant or who have just had babies feel like they can't share their joy with me because I lost my little one and they don't want to cause me any more pain.

The truth is I am genuinely ecstatic for these people, but that doesn't mean I'm not missing my own. I know that God has big plans in store for us, and He has the right children for me, but does it have to hurt so much?

I'm trying to stay joyful, keep myself busy, and focus on all the other things going on in my life. However, with Paul working at night I have a lot of time to myself, and I can either watch mindless TV or think. Sometimes I prefer the mindless TV so that I don't have to feel what I am thinking, but sometimes it is okay to think and feel and get it out.

So I'm here at the beginning of May thinking that in a few days I should be delivering my baby, and I'm not. I'm thinking that it sucks, but I know that God has a plan. I'm thinking I shouldn't have watched "Marley and Me" because it made me cry and I'm all alone....crying. My dogs are even looking at me like I'm nuts.

I often wonder too why men don't feel the same way we do...I know God made us different. But I really want to see Paul cry over us losing our baby. He doesn't. I'm not sure if it is because I was carrying this child and it resonated with me more...or if it was the hormones but I just feel like I want to be able to fix this. I want to be able to make myself be able to get pregnant and stay that way...for 9 months ONLY!! But I can't do anything more than wish, cry and pray. I know God has big plans for us, but I want to know about them, and I want it all to happen right now. Selfish I know.

God's timing is perfect, but how do I let go and wait for the one thing I have wanted more in my life than anything else? That is the question...

1 comment:

Kate said...

(((BIG HUG))) I wish I could answer that question for you. I asked it to myself many, many times and never found an answer. I know you'll get pregnant again and have a normal healthy pregnancy and a happy little one. I can't wait for that day to come for you, because so much of the pain of TTC and infertility is healed as soon as you see that little heartbeat. (((hug))) Cry and be nuts all you need to be right now!