Let me explain...my counselor told me that grief is like a slinky. It isn't a continuum that you move through each day and you are done grieving. Slinkies are circular. Grief is circular. There are days that you will go through every stage of grief, but as time goes by you will not go through each stage as often. Just like a slinky.
A few days ago I was just so sad. I was a little overwhelmed by the sadness. Realizing that I will never spend a Christmas with Owen broke me. I can't explain why that was such a big deal other than the fact that I show love by giving gifts. I love to see the excitement on others faces when they open a gift that was chosen just for them. Especially children. I will never see Owen's face. I will never see the excitement of Owen opening a present.
I think that the one place Satan really takes advantage of me is telling me that I am alone in all of this. He tells me that I'm the only one who has ever experienced this pain. I'm the only one who has ever been this heart broken. No one else knows how I feel.
Satan is a BIG, FAT, LIAR.
For one, God knows what it is like to lose a son and I believe that He understands my heart.
Secondly, almost immediately my sister contacted Laura at String of Pearls to get resources for me. Laura was able to send a blog of a family who also lost a twin.
Finally, time and time again I talk to people who know someone who has lost a twin in pregnancy or were the surviving twin. It's far more common than we know.
These things don't make me hurt less. They make me realize I'm not alone. I'm not the only one who has ever hurt like this before. Most importantly, God doesn't leave His children to go through struggles on their own. All throughout scripture God reminds us HE IS OUR REFUGE! Jesus tells us when we are weary to go to Him.
1 Peter 5:9-11 ESV
[9] Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. [10] And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. [11] To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen.
This verse has brought so much comfort to me knowing that 1) the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by believers throughout the world. 2) This will only last a little while. 3) God has called me to HIS eternal glory. 4) HE WILL RESTORE, CONFIRM, STRENGTHEN, AND ESTABLISH me. Because God loves me He is not standing idly by watching me hurt. He is using this for His glory whether I see it right now or not. He is good, and He does good.
As I'm sitting here I have heard "You're Not Alone" by Meredith Andrews at least 3 times. Every time I have heard it I have smiled because it is God's reminding me that I'm NOT alone. He is here and has been here everyday, loving me, my whole life. And He loves Owen, and He loves Julia. He loves my children so much more than I can possibly ask or imagine. His love overwhelms me.
All of this to say the lyrics of this song speak to my heart, and I want to share them with you.
You're Not Alone
I search for love
When the night came and it closed in
I was alone
but you found me where I was hiding
and now I'll never ever be the same
It was the sweetest voice that called my name
saying
You're not alone
for I am here
let me wipe away your every fear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
and I'm the one who's loved you all your life
All of your life
You cry yourself to sleep
cause the hurt is real
and the pain cuts deep
All hope seems lost
With heartache your closest friend
and everyone else long gone
You've had to face the music on your own
but there is a sweeter song that calls you home
saying
You're not alone
for I am here
let me wipe away your every tear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest nights
And I'm the one who's loved you all your life
All your life
Faithful and true... Forever
For my love will carry you....
You're not alone
for I... I am here
let me wipe away every fear... Oh yeah
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through your darkest night
Your darkest night
And I'm the one who's loved you all your life
All of your life
I pray that this encourages you as much as it has encouraged me.
1 comment:
*Hug* Wish I could give you that in person. I also wish I could have read this when I was in the thick of my grief.
It's so hard to remember sometimes that God will sustain us through this. I do this little mental exercise/visualization when I'm feeling especially down/anxious/etc. I go to bed, turn off the lights, close my eyes and picture God's hands. Then I picture myself putting all of my emotions into his hands - the good and the bad. It helps me to remember that I trust Him with ALL of myself and that He is there for me. I immediately feel calmer afterwards.
Post a Comment