Monday, December 20, 2010


I've always dreamt of being pregnant. I've imagined how amazing it would be to grow a life inside of me, give birth, and then hold that precious being in my arms.

Now that I am pregnant, and I am experiencing all of these wonderful things I'm also realizing that there is so much that is involved with pregnancy that I wasn't prepared for.

I think for some women it may be this completely miraculous and inspiring experience where everything is perfect and you never worry. However, it hasn't been that way for me. As you can imagine losing Owen began a long road of anxiety and worry for me.

I would actually like to take a poll and see how many women actually go through all of their pregnancies without worry, concern, or something going wrong. Sometimes I feel like something must be wrong with me because I just don't take it as another trial but I often feel like I'm completely irrational and falling apart.

I can talk about decorating Julia's room and be really excited, but when it comes to doing it I panic because I don't want a room in my house decorated for a baby if I lose her. I don't want a place to go where all I do is think about her. A place that is meant just for her.

My heart aches daily for Owen. I wonder what it would have been like to hold that sweet little boy. I wonder what kind of man he would have grown up to be. I wonder what kind of brother would he have been to Julia. I wonder what their relationship would have been like. I also know that God doesn't wonder those things. God knew how short Owen's life was going to be. God is holding Owen so He knows. I won't know for awhile if ever what it will be like to hold my baby boy. It breaks my heart.

Being pregnant during Christmas is an interesting experience since there is often talk about Mary and Elizabeth being pregnant with Jesus and John. I understand the excitement of feeling your baby move, and what Elizabeth meant when she said "he leapt in my womb". I often feel like Julia is leaping. She seems so excited. I imagine that Mary had to be so uncomfortable riding on a donkey since I'm uncomfortable riding in car. My heart is so grateful for this baby that I am carrying, but so overwhelmed with grief for the baby we lost. I'm sad when I feel her move and know I won't be feeling him. I'm sad when we see ultrasounds of her and her activity and healthy body and know that if the doctor looks at him he's just shrinking away. He's not playing with her, he's not pushing her for space. Nothing.

I wonder if she misses him. I wonder if she knows he's not there. I wonder if she will ever be able to express what it's like to lose a brother none of us ever knew.

I often wonder if I will ever be able to get pregnant again. One because it was so hard this time, and because it has been such an emotional toll. I guess that is one thing I'm learning to surrender to God. That if He wants us to be pregnant and bear more children He will do it. If He wants us to adopt He will do it.

One thing that I don't understand is these girls who sleep around not thinking about the consequences, and when they get pregnant can make the choice not to carry that child to term. Do their hearts hurt as much as mine does when this wasn't my choice? Do they continue to go about their lives with relief that they aren't a mom? Do they love that child? Do they grieve the loss?

I'm not sure what the point of this post is now that I'm done. I think I just needed to write. It's therapy.

1 comment:

Kate said...

*big hugs* You're normal. I felt many of the same things. I still worry that something will happen to Griffin.