Tuesday, March 17, 2015

I Get It Now

Last night I got home at 2 AM from picking up my friend at the airport in San Antonio. Since I was out late, Paul took the girls to a drop in childcare center (where we have taken our girls many times) so that I could sleep in and then take care of some things I needed to.

I woke up at 10:15 AM, went through my morning routine, and left the house around 11. I thought about going to get the girls before I went to run errands, but we had said we would pick them up at 12:30 so I took my chance to do some grocery shopping alone. I went to Target, grabbed a coffee, sent some group messages to see if I needed to grab anything for our MC tonight, and then started shopping.

I went to the pharmacy to grab some prescriptions, and they said they had 2 more for me they could have ready in 15 minutes. So I decided to wait, ran into a friend and caught up on some stuff, and my phone rang.

It was the director of the child care center. She said "Mrs. Coppinger, I just wanted to call and let you know that while coming in from outside Amelia was bit 3 times by a younger child on her arm. It didn't break the skin. She didn't cry at all, we have put ice on it, and her teacher held her to comfort her. She just sat down to eat lunch. I just wanted to let you know so you weren't surprised."

Everything in me wanted to forget everything else and go get my baby. I did get my prescriptions, check out, and drive the speed limit to get her.

When I got there I was thinking a few little bite marks no big deal. When I saw her arm I wanted to scream. Her arm has welts on it, and one of the bites is already bruising.

When she saw me, she lifted up her arm and her eyes filled with tears. My heart broke for my sweet girl.

We came home, and I was getting everyone down for naps and she was really struggling to relax. I picked her up, sang to her, and then I prayed for the child that bit her. I prayed for the child's family. I prayed that we could forgive them.

And that's when it clicked for me. That's when I realized how God felt when I was sexually abused.

He was hurting because I (His child) was hurting. He wanted justice because I (His child) needed justice. He forgave so that I (His child) could forgive.

I have struggled for many years to understand why God would allow me to be sexually abused. I have been angry at my perpetrator, my parents, God for many years. I have asked why, and questioned "If God is good...WHY?!?!"

Today, as I heard the words that my daughter had been bitten, and I saw the marks on her arm, and I saw the pain she felt I said to myself "If I hadn't been out late then she wouldn't be hurting. If I hadn't slept in then she wouldn't be hurting. If I had picked her up early she wouldn't be hurting." I hurt because my child hurts. I want justice because my child was hurt. I can forgive so my daughter can learn forgiveness.

Y'all, God was not far off when I was abused. He hurt when I was abused. He wanted to take away my pain when I was abused. He did not desire for me to be abused. Just like I was not far away when my daughter was hurt, I want to take away her pain, and I do not desire for her to be hurt.

BUT sin is in this world. And because there is sin people get hurt. People are bitten, sexually abused, murdered. That does not mean that God is far off. It doesn't mean that God doesn't hurt. It doesn't mean that God wants His children to experience pain, but it does mean it happens. It does mean that His heart breaks when we are hurt. He cries when we are hurt. But He also forgives when we are hurt.

God is still good. God is still sovereign even when we suffer.

I didn't get it until today, but I get it now. I'm still a good mom even when my child is hurt. God is still good even when I am hurt. He forgave so I can forgive.

God demonstrated His love for us that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8).

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