Sunday, December 6, 2009
This morning I had brunch with some dear friends and found out that they are expecting in June, just two weeks after a mutual friend of ours is also due with her first child. This came after finding out my neighbor is pregnant, two girls in my small group are expecting, and my sister-in-law is reaching her due date rapidly.
My initial reaction was "WOW"! With a forced smile on my face I began to ask questions about how she had been feeling, and when she was due, and blah blah blah...only to get home and begin wondering what I had done that I can't get pregnant. I began to wonder why God is punishing me.
I have failed (for most of my life) to see God as truly a God who is both just and merciful. I tend to look at hard times in my life and ask "What sin did I commit to make this happen?" instead of realizing that in His infinite mercy He is really trying to teach me something....about Him.
This evening we went to church, and I had my arms folded during worship and was truly angry, and wondering why God was allowing so much hurt in my life. Why He was preventing me from having the ONE thing I desired more than anything in my life? And then we watched a video about what God is doing through our church in the city of Austin. God reminded me that I am not on this earth for me, but for Him. He has given me breath to serve, worship, love, and live life with the poor, the needy, the widows and the orphans. He has created me to RISE and SHINE!!! And I am sitting and having a pity party with my light covered up.
I thought about the students in my class that I see every day. I see their physical and emotional needs and often ignore them. I am easily frustrated by their inattentiveness and disrespect. I expect them to know more because they are 8 years old. I expect them to treat others with love, kindness, gentleness and mercy, but I am not treating them the same way. My heart is not burdened for their salvation because I am too worried about getting what I want instead of giving them what they need. I do not get up and spend time crying out to God for them because I want a few more minutes of sleep.
I realized that this life that God has given me has a HUGE purpose, but I don't even know what it is. I don't know how He wants to use me, and I don't even ask. Paul and I have been through trials and seen God truly provide for our every need, but I have failed to see what God is doing in my life because I have made it all about me.
On the way home I told Paul that I don't even know why I want to be a mom. I don't know how to pray for us to have children because I don't know what purpose that serves other than what I want has happened. When I say that I mean...Do I want to have children to glorify God through them, and why would I pray that when I can glorify Him in so many other ways. I guess my question is...what is the purpose of becoming a parent? Why do I need that when I have 16 students who need Jesus Christ. Students who are looking at me to love them unconditionally and Shine.
I don't say all of this to say that I don't want to become a mom. My heart truly aches to have children. I say this because I am seeing that I need to refocus my life off of me and on to Christ. I need to Rise and Shine everyday. I need to ask God who He has for me to show His love to everyday, and I need to stop worrying about when He is going to give me what I want.
So I titled this post selfishness because it seems like over the past few years I have only been focused on what I want God to do for me and not on what God wants me to do for Him. I have been selfish with my time, my money, and my talents. I have allowed myself to believe that I have been through so much that I deserve to have things my way. So today I am turning over a new leaf. I am resolving to Rise and Shine everyday so that my students, my neighbors, my hair stylist, whoever know that Jesus loves them and can see His love for them through my life.
To my dear friends and family who are expecting...I am going to do my best to be real with you. To let you know when/if I am hurting, but also to rejoice with you. I don't want you to not be able to talk about this joyous time in your life because I am hurting....and when you see the selfish side of me come out please say a few prayers for me because God is renewing and restoring me daily.
I love y'all!