Post Partum

The past few weeks I've been struggling with anxiety, loneliness, frustration, and fear. I'm not sure why, and I'm wondering if some post partum depression is settling in.

I'm not sure what it feels like and how I'm supposed to know if that's what it is. All I know is that I feel like I've changed.

I know part of what I'm feeling is based on so much that is unknown. We don't know where Paul is going to be working or where Julia will go to daycare. So many of the things we thought we had mapped out have fallen through since she was born. Not the best timing.

If you know me at all, you know that I like to have things planned out. I feel settled and comfortable when that is how things are. This morning I was standing in the shower and I just had to admit that I don't trust God right now. It's so easy for me to say that's what I should do, but I don't. I don't trust that He will give Paul a job, find childcare for Julia, take care of our health insurance, etc. I worry.

Yesterday morning the sermon at church was about Jacob trusting that God would take him back to the land of his father. God made a promise to Jacob to be with him even when things were hard, and God did. But for some reason I find it hard to believe God's promises when I'm going through hard times. Why?

I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I don't know if post-partum depression has begun to sink in or if I'm just overwhelmed by all of the uncertainties in our lives right now, but your prayers are appreciated. Please pray for wisdom, and for clarity in how God is moving us right now.

Mother's Day

Today was my first Mother's Day and it was absolutely wonderful!!

It began with a surprise visit from Paul's brother, wife, and kids. They brought dinner, and meals for several days. I'm so excited! They are taking such good care of us.

I then was given an infant sling made by my dear sweet husband, and lots of snuggles from my sweet daughter. We had lunch with my grandparents, and took flowers to my mom's mom's grave, and my aunt's grave...AFTER wandering around in 98 degree heat for an hour looking for it. It was a sweet time for my mom, and I loved being able to do that for her.

Thank you Paul for making today so wonderful, and for planning a surprise visit from family. Today was very special for me. And thanks for our daughter!

A few thoughts...

Upon hearing the news that the U.S. had successfully completed an operation that led to the demise of Osama bin Laden, I breathed a sigh of relief. All that we had worked for the past 10 years was over. We had avenged the lives that were taken on September 11, 2001. And then a wide array of emotions set in.

I'm not excited about his death.

I'm not celebrating.

I'm not devastated.

I'm not really even sad.

But I'm not relieved.

I've been trying to figure out how I feel, what I think, and what is right. I don't even know what right means right now.

I've been reading blog posts, tweets, and facebook statuses from people who are excited, proud, overjoyed, but also those who realize their brokenness and need for a Savior.

I have some thoughts for all of them. Hopefully, this will come across compassionate.

I do believe, as Christians, that the death of someone so evil should be a reality check for us. It should be a time that we realize that we are just as broken and evil without Christ. But as Christians we are no longer that evil. Our debt has been paid. We are redeemed, and we are no longer seen by God as evil.

I think, as Christians, we should be rejoicing that we have been chosen by God to be redeemed. This should be a time when we see how evil we once were, and rejoice that we have been cleansed by Jesus' blood.

However, bin Laden had rejected Christ. God allowed his heart to be hardened, and because of that he will not receive God's grace. He only gets God's justice.

I understand not wanting to celebrate when someone receives God's justice and eternity separated from Him. Maybe that's why I'm not celebrating his death, but I am celebrating my life in Christ.

But I also understand, that those who lost loved ones over the past 10 years are celebrating because justice has been served. I don't think anyone wants to experience justice, but I do think when someone as evil as bin Laden has killed so many without remorse, those left behind have closure in his death.

I am proud. I'm proud to live in a free country. A country that does fight for safety. A country where so many men and women CHOOSE to sacrifice their lives to keep the rest of us safe. I'm honored to live among these men and women.

I don't know how else to express my heart and my thoughts. I don't feel like I can fall on either side of the debate. I can't rejoice in bin Laden's death, but I also don't believe that his life deserved grace. He rejected grace. And all who reject grace receive justice.