Monday, May 16, 2011

Post Partum

The past few weeks I've been struggling with anxiety, loneliness, frustration, and fear. I'm not sure why, and I'm wondering if some post partum depression is settling in.

I'm not sure what it feels like and how I'm supposed to know if that's what it is. All I know is that I feel like I've changed.

I know part of what I'm feeling is based on so much that is unknown. We don't know where Paul is going to be working or where Julia will go to daycare. So many of the things we thought we had mapped out have fallen through since she was born. Not the best timing.

If you know me at all, you know that I like to have things planned out. I feel settled and comfortable when that is how things are. This morning I was standing in the shower and I just had to admit that I don't trust God right now. It's so easy for me to say that's what I should do, but I don't. I don't trust that He will give Paul a job, find childcare for Julia, take care of our health insurance, etc. I worry.

Yesterday morning the sermon at church was about Jacob trusting that God would take him back to the land of his father. God made a promise to Jacob to be with him even when things were hard, and God did. But for some reason I find it hard to believe God's promises when I'm going through hard times. Why?

I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I don't know if post-partum depression has begun to sink in or if I'm just overwhelmed by all of the uncertainties in our lives right now, but your prayers are appreciated. Please pray for wisdom, and for clarity in how God is moving us right now.

1 comment:

The Henleys said...

Hey Cynthia, I love reading your blog. :) It's amazing how motherhood changes us, huh? Especially at the beginning--I think all of us moms go through some degree of an "identity crisis", as we determine how this precious little life fits into our purpose here on earth. Praying for peace for you, that I know He will provide. Love, Allison