Thursday, October 11, 2012

Anxiety in Pregnancy

Disclaimer: This was written about 6 weeks ago. I'm still struggling with this off and on. 

This isn't public knowledge yet...I'm 6 weeks pregnant. Something is different this time around. I feel more anxious.

With Julia and Owen I was so excited. I was peaceful. Well, until I lost Owen.

I think that's what the problem is. I think I'm anxious about losing this baby. I'm anxious about going into my first appointment and there not being a heart beat. I'm worried that in the next 34 weeks something is going to happen and I won't ever hold this baby in my arms.

However, I'm also anxious about how much having another baby is going to change Julia's life. I don't know how she will adapt. I don't know how she will get along with this new baby, and that scares me. I'm afraid she'll have a rough relationship with her sibling like I did/do with mine.

I know it's too late to think about all of this, but until I got pregnant I didn't think about this. I was worried about whether or not I could get pregnant. Now that I am, I worry about how this is going to rock Julia's world.

Not to mention I've been so sick that I feel like I'm neglecting Julia, and I only have 34 weeks of it just being the two of us.

Why is this so hard? Does anybody have any advice on how to deal with this? Did anyone else feel this way?

1 comment:

sarah k said...

I'm trying to become pregnant again after two miscarriages in a row (following 3 healthy pregnancies), and I'm terrified. I want to be pregnant, but if I am, then I'll be even more terrified. I don't know how to tell you to handle that part. I wish all the best for you and your precious baby. And I applaud you for being honest and open about your pain and your fear.

I do know, from my experience with the three little ones I do have, that I firmly believe children gain much more than they lose by having a sibling or siblings. I grew up as an only child (my only brother was much older and not around) and had a great relationship with my parents, and still do. So there are wonderful things about that only-child status. But I'm so grateful my children have each other. They don't always get along, by any stretch of the imagination. But they also have moments of love and tenderness and affection, and they are very loyal to each other. I watch them playing together happily and think, "This is what I missed as an only child!"

In the early stages, it's hard. And yes, each child has to give up some attention for the other. There will be times when it seems like someone is always crying--sometimes both of them, and maybe Mommy too! But I think even in those times, they are slowly learning something important--to wait for others, to take turns, to share, to see another person's needs, to be a family and a team and not just one person.