Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Grief...a year and half later

I've been struggling with grief lately. Grief of the loss of my perfect health. Grief over the loss of my fertility. Grief over the loss of my son.

It's been about a year and a half since Owen Paul went to be with Jesus. At 18 weeks gestation Owen went to be with Jesus and Julia stayed in the womb. We grieved the loss of him deeply. We questioned why God would allow this to happen. We were and still are grateful for Julia's life, but desperately missed him. So we mourned.

In February of 2012, we decided that we wanted to try for another baby. We had not been preventing pregnancy since Julia was born and had been hoping it would just happen. That's not what happened. It turns out that no matter how badly my body wants to be pregnant...I still need help getting there. So we started fertility treatments.

So it's been 5 cycles and no pregnancy has been announced. Month after month we get a negative test and I start my period. Month after month I'm disappointed. Month after month I am faced with the fact that I can increase our treatments and have a higher risk of getting pregnant, but I will also have a higher risk of twins. Month after month I am faced with the fact that I am TERRIFIED to be pregnant again, but I'm DEATHLY AFRAID of multiples. Month after month I struggle with anxiety, fear, and failure as my hormones are manipulated. And I fear that I will NEVER be able to get pregnant again. Julia was nothing short of a miracle, and I may not get another one.

Yes, I believe that God has a plan. Yes, I believe that God is in control. BUT if I had it my way God's plan would be mine. He would do things the way I want Him to. I wouldn't be reminded every month that I lost my son and I can't control when I get pregnant and if that pregnancy goes to term, or that child is born healthy and lives a long life. I. CAN'T. CONTROL. IT.

Owen is my son. As Julia is learning to walk and talk...I wonder what he would be doing. As Julia climbs in my lap and gives me hugs and kisses...I wonder what his hugs and kisses would be like. As Julia asks me to read "Brown Bear, Brown Bear What Do You See?" over and over again...what would Owen want me to read? Who would Owen look like? Would he be like his daddy?

I won't ever know these things. I'm sure when I get to Heaven that I won't care, but right now I do. Right now I'm still grieving the loss of my son, and trying so hard to not be afraid. BUT at the end of the day I am SCARED. I know that God did not give me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and sound mind. I know that I can cast my anxieties on Him because He cares for me. I know that this is momentary and light affliction preparing me for the eternal weight of glory. But right now...it sucks! Right now I just want something to be easy. Right now I want my son here in my arms. I want my daughter to have her brother.

And I don't feel like any healing has happened since I lost him.

No comments: