Tuesday, November 5, 2013

A little about love and loss, and Emily

Three years ago we found out that our sweet baby boy had died in utero at 18 weeks. We had been in College Station for a football game, and when we got home I was feeling nauseated and told Paul I was worried because I hadn't felt  Julia and Owen moving very much. We decided to call the OB on-call and he said because I was only 18 weeks pregnant that it was completely normal for me to not have felt a lot of movement, but if I was really worried that I could go to the ER. We went just for peace of mind.

Once we got there they tried to find heartbeats and could only find one. The nurse told us not to worry because that was normal at 18 weeks. The doctor ordered an ultrasound. Paul wasn't allowed to go into the ultrasound with me. As I went in, the sonographer told me that I could watch, but she couldn't answer any questions. I remember laying there as she did the ultrasound and praying that I would see that everything was normal, and we would go home.

She asked if we knew the gender of the babies. I told her we were having a boy and a girl. I told her there names. I watched as she looked at Owen. I watched as she confirmed he was a boy. I watched as she took measurements. And I watched as she tried not once, but twice to find a heartbeat. Nothing ever came up.

I then watched as she moved to Julia, and took measurements which were more difficult because she was very active. I watched as she confirmed her gender. I watched as her heartbeat came up and I listened to how strong it was.

I laid there, and I hoped beyond hope that I had missed something. I hoped that I had just blinked and missed his heartbeat. After she told me we were done and we would hear from the doctor soon, I looked at her and asked "but we have two moving babies with heartbeats right?". And I'll never forget her response. She looked away from me, and said "I can't answer that question. You'll hear from the doctor shortly."

As she wheeled me back in the room, Paul asked me if everything was okay. I remember looking at him and saying "I don't know." I described everything I saw, but I really didn't know that everything was okay with our babies.

We waited what seemed like an eternity, and the ER doctor finally walked in. As soon as I saw his face I knew something was wrong. He was so sullen. He sat down, and said "I'm so sorry, but you've lost one of your babies. We are going to transfer you to your hospital and you will be seen by a doctor at your OB practice."

My heart sank. I was devastated. I just started crying, and I think I cried for days. I called my parents, and I was shaking as I told my dad. I couldn't even get the words out of my mouth. I had to repeat it so he could hear me. I called Paul's family on our way to the hospital and told them. I kept praying it was a nightmare I was going to wake up from, but I couldn't.

It took me a long time to put on the clothes I wore that day. It took me a long time to eat at places we ate at that day. It took me until this past weekend to even go back to College Station. College Station was a place I had good memories of. I got engaged there. And now I've lost a child there and it was the last place I wanted to face.

But God took us back. And he surrounded us with friends and family who helped make this past weekend memorable. New memories were created. My girls had A BLAST while we were there. I laughed while I was there.

With all of the tradition that surrounds Texas A&M I think that's what makes it hard for me to not be mournful while I'm there. It will always be a bittersweet place for me, but it will be a place that holds special memories for our family too. God redeems and restores. He redeemed College Station, TX for me this past weekend so that I can enjoy the pomp and circumstance of Aggie Football with my family.

I know that seems silly, but the reality is God loves me so much that I know He doesn't want me to only have negative feelings about a place He created for His glory.

So I want this redemption to take place for a little girl named Emily too. Emily lives in the Democratic Republic of Congo. She lives in a place that has the highest rate of sex trafficking. She lives in a place where it is impossible to be a girl and maintain innocence. But God is already working to redeem her story. He has called my friend McCall to adopt her, and take her out of this place. Right now McCall and her family are working to raise money for their dossier submission, and they need your help! Please go to LeeMeandthegirls.blogspot.com and learn how you can help bring Emily home and be a part of her redemptive story.  All it takes is $5 for you to make a difference and you will be entered to win some amazing stuff in a GIVEAWAY!!

Go now! What are you waiting for?!?

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