When you don't know what to say...

Some of you know that I have been a little sensitive lately, and for those of you whom I love and respect dearly, but you can't comprehend how I am feeling on this journey of trying to conceive...I found this on a friend's blog and it really is enlightening. So this post is dedicated to those of you who really want to be supportive, but don't know what to say. Infertility Etiquette.

I hope this helps as you are being supportive of me.

Cynthia

Looks like I will still be waiting...

I heard from a pretty solid source today that Williams Elementary was assigned a 2nd grade teacher from a school who had cut classrooms. So it looks like I will still be waiting for my teaching position, but God is faithful.

Waiting, Waiting, Waiting.........................................

So this morning around 8:05am I called Williams Elementary School, and the principal was not available so I had to leave a voice mail. On the voice mail she said she would return your call in 24 hours. So now we are playing the waiting game. I am beginning to think after all of this waiting we have been doing that maybe God is trying to teach me patience. If you know me at all, you probably know that I am an immediate results girl. Over the last several months I have not gotten any immediate results when I have wanted them...whether it be Paul getting a job, having a baby, getting to drive, or me getting a job it all comes back to waiting.

This reminds me of a verse...Isaiah 40:31.."but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." If you notice the first word is 'but'. Right before this Isaiah says in verse 28 "Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; His understanding is unsearchable." In verse 30 it says "Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted;".

I looked up the meaning of the phrase "wait for"...it could also have been translated "hope in", and it means to expect, and then a few words down it said patiently. I think God is telling me to hope in Him, to wait expectantly for Him, to be patient because He won't let me grow weary.

Looks like I have been waiting on the wrong things...I need to be waiting on God.

Good News!!!

Yesterday I went to Williams Elementary School to substitute for the librarian. This is the wonderful school that allowed me to do my student teaching there. I fell in love with the environment of this school, the teachers and staff, and the students. I have been praying that I could get a permanent teaching job there, and over the summer I was told that they might need to hire another second grade teacher.

Here is the good news...yesterday the principal got the call that she can hire another teacher. She was told by another staff person to hire me. She asked me if I was interested, and told me to call her on Monday. So I am praying hard this weekend that when I call on Monday she says "Can you start tomorrow?" I am so excited I can't stand it!

Today

Today was a much better day. I was a little sad this morning, and later when my grandma teared up telling me she understands right where I am. But for the most part I have been in good spirits and had a lot of fun. I think it helps when I can help others and not focus so much on what is going on with me. I know I do need to deal with this loss, but I don't need to obsess over it.

However, I feel like I am quite moody today. I feel like I am more likely to spout off with my opinions than remain calm and think before I speak. I need prayer in that because more than likely it has to do with my sin nature than with hormones I think.

I have to say that I have a wonderful husband who is doing a great job taking care of me. He is there to listen when I need him, hold me, and ask for kisses knowing that I need affection too. I have noticed that my family is trying to make sure that I am okay...and to those of you reading this I want you to know that I am...he is providing and protecting me in these hard times, and he is a blessing.

This pain in my chest

I never thought that I could feel this way. I never thought that my heart could hurt so bad, or that I could feel like my heart is just being torn out of my chest. And there is nothing that I can do to make it go away.

I keep asking why, and I know that I may not get an answer. I know that God has a grand plan, but I can't help but wonder why this little life that started growing in me just a little while ago is gone. I thought that it wouldn't hurt so bad since we never had an ultrasound or got to hear a heart beat, but a friend told me a loss no matter how early is a loss. And right now it is so true.

It is really strange because people say that as early along as I was I wasn't experiencing any symptoms of being pregnant, but for a while I was really sensitive to certain smells, my breasts were tender, and I was definitely more picky about what I ate. But on Sunday morning when I started bleeding and cramping everything changed. I knew that something was wrong.

All I know is that I hurt, I am sad, and I want some answers. But I don't know where to get them...

Just to let you know...

The tests came back saying that I am no longer pregnant. The nurse said that we can keep trying for this cycle, but right now I am not sure that I want to. I think this is going to have to be a decision we make after some healing takes place. And I think that this is something God is going to have to show us what to do.

Anyway, please keep us in your prayers because this is a really difficult time. We know God has a plan, but we aren't sure what it is.

Something I found out this morning...

So I talked to the nurse from my doctor's office and she said that I needed to come in for them to check my levels of hCG and progesterone. I just got back from that, and I have a positive outlook because the lady in the lab got me on the first stick! That might not be such a big deal to you, but it is to me.

The nurse said that because before I had gotten a positive pregnancy test I got a negative pregnancy test that there is no way that the positive was from residual hCG from the shot I got earlier. So that means the positive pregnancy test and positive blood test were both telling me I really am pregnant. However, now the hCG numbers need to go up so that we know the bleeding is not an early miscarriage or what they call a chemical pregnancy. Basically it means the egg fertilized and never fully implanted.

So if you think about us today say a little prayer. The nurse said if I could get there this morning they could let me know by this afternoon the results of my blood work.

I'll update after I hear from the nurse.

Hope

***WARNING: This may contain more details than what you really want to know...BE CAREFUL!!***

If you are reading this you know that we have been trying to get pregnant for awhile. What you may or may not know is that my faith has been tested far beyond what I actually knew it could be.

Our small group has been studying Hebrews and the last few weeks we were on Hebrews 11. As you may recall Hebrews 11:1 says "Now FAITH is the assurance (or evidence) of things hoped for, the conviction (or substance) of things not seen."

I looked up HOPE on dictionary.com and one of the definition says "to place trust, rely". I am sitting here typing this as this week has been a roller coaster of events that may climax on Monday or Tuesday depending on the speediness of test results. However, I am struggling with relying on God...with placing my trust in Him. I know that He has a great plan which I don't know. I know that He wants what is best for me, but sometimes that comes at a cost. Sometimes what I think is best for me is not what God says is best for me. And I am slowly realizing that what is best for me is to be holy. What is best for me is to allow Him to continue this process of sanctification regardless of what it costs me.

Here is the skinny on the last few weeks. I went in for my Cycle Day 12 Follicle Scan and my Follicles were at 16 mm. That is ginormous for girl who has had them at 5 mm and 7 mm the past few months. So the very sweet nurse practitioner told me to come in on Monday for a second follicle scan. Monday was Cycle Day 15 and they were at 23 mm. So my doctor gave me an hCG shot to force me to ovulate within 24 hours and sent us home to do what God gave married couples to do.

After 11 days of waiting I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. That was what I expected. After 14 days of waiting I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I called the doctor. The nurse said come in for blood test. So I did. My hCG level was at 7. Now technically that means that I was pregnant because anything over 5 means you are pregnant, but the numbers need to rise. The nurse told me to come in on Monday (September 8th) for another blood test. Saturday night I started spotting...major freak out. However, it was pink and the nurse assured me I was fine, and to call if it changed. I woke up this morning and it had changed. It was bright red and like a light period. I called the nurse and she told me that this is somewhat normal but if it got worse to call her back in an hour. It has been two hours and it is about the same. She told me to call on Monday (Septemeber 8th), and talk to my doctor's nurse and tell them the events of the weekend. She also said I need to come in for a blood test to make sure the hCG levels are rising. If they are rising she said everything is probably fine. Apparently many women have period like bleeding throughout their pregnancies and this NORMAL!! No one ever explained that to me in Health Class...but it was taught by the boys basketball coach and I am almost positive that he didn't feel comfortable talking about women bleeding. However, if the level hasn't risen or is lower that is not good and it could mean that this was a chemical pregnancy.

I know what you are thinking...how could she get a shot of hCG and then take a pregnancy test that tests for hCG? Well, that is where the chemical pregnancy comes in. The positive tests could have been that they detected residual hCG from the shot. However, if you get a negative test that is supposed to mean that there was no residual hCG from the shot in my system so it wouldn't have detected it. And the hCG that was detected was actually what was being produced by sperm and egg meeting. Another definition of a chemical pregnancy is that the egg didn't completely implant into the uterine lining causing you to start your period a few days late. This would give you a positive test result, and sometimes a negative test result a few days later, and then the start of your period. From what I have read most women wouldn't even know they were pregnant, and just thought that their period was starting later. The downside of the super sensitive pregnancy tests is that once you get a positive test you think you are pregnant and then have to morn the loss of the fetus.

So where does hope come in now? Well between today and tomorrow I have to rely on God more than ever. That He will guard my heart and whatever the outcome of the blood test is He will use for His glory. I will admit to you that I am scared, but God did not give me a spirit of fear, but of power, of love and of self-control (or sound mind some versions read)...2 Timothy 1:7. I also know that God doesn't ever give us more than we can handle. We may think we can't handle it, but I believe He wants us there to depend on Him.

My temptation is to give into fear, to give into doubt, and to turn and run and be angry. However, as I finish this post I have a sense of peace. I know whether this is a chemical pregnancy or a real pregnancy that God is going to take to full term...I know God is giving me His strength to walk through this. It is a little weird to be this at peace about it, but that is one reason why I started this blog. Because journaling helps me relax. And if this helps someone else then God is glorified!

Here is my final thought "And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7.

God has got me right where I need to be...in His hands. I will give you an update as soon as I know the results of the blood test...in the meantime pray for God's glory to be reavealed.