Sunday, November 7, 2010

1 Week...

Today marks one week since we found out that Owen had died. Today has been an interesting day talking with Paul about my feelings and processing. But in other ways God has reminded me of His goodness.

Since we took this week off from serving in Children's Ministry we decided to head up to the new campus our church has a check it out. It's very new to us since we serve at a different campus. I was hesitant to walk in this morning because I was nervous about just being at church this week. I wasn't sure what to expect, what God was going to say to me, or how to respond to Him. It seems weird saying that I was nervous to go to church. But I was, and I knew God was going to speak to me, and I wasn't sure I was ready to hear what He had to tell me.

We got there, found seats, talked to some friends, and waited for the service to begin. We had meet and greet time which I don't remember us having at the Austin High campus, and I'm always nervous to meet new people but more so today. As the service started I felt like each song was God reminding me of Who He is. I held on tightly to Paul's hand, sang along, and prayed that God would move my heart to a place where it was totally abandoned to worship Him.

I heard someone singing loudly, a little off key, but the noise was a joyful noise unto the Lord. I turned a round, and there was a man who seemed to have cerebral palsy literally jumping out of his wheel chair to praise God. His heart was completely unabandoned when it came to praising God. I want my heart to be like that. I stood there and asked God to change my heart so I wasn't holding back when I worshiped Him.

The next song, was "How He Loves Us" by David Crowder:
He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

Yeah, He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,

Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves.

We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.
And Heaven meets earth like an sloppy wet kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don't have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way...

Singing these words I just began crying because I was reminded that God is LOVE. And He not only is love, but HE LOVES ME!

The significance of this might not be understood if you don't what I have struggling with this week. When people find out about Owen, read my Facebook updates about how much I miss Owen; attempt to comfort me by saying "He's Julia's guardian angel now, He is watching over you, He is an angel." The problem with this is nothing in the Bible leads me to believe that any of it is true. I have been struggling with is how do I know Owen is in Heaven? My heart's desire is to know what the Bible says, and to not take comfort in what I want to be true. So to me these are empty words because they aren't pointing me back to the character of God.

When singing "Oh! How he loves us" over and over again reminded me that God is Love, and that He loves us, and a peace washed over me like I have never known. I was reminded that I can trust in God's love, and goodness.

Now my question may never be answered for sure, but I do know that by focusing on who God is will give me peace that He is taking care of Owen. I'm just trusting in God right now. I'm not sure what else I can do.

1 comment:

Kate said...

Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these. Matthew 19:14

I feel that Jesus is speaking of all children - no matter what age or gestational status. We are "knitted" in our mothers' wombs and given life/soul. Owen had all of this. I believe he is in Heaven. Whether he is a gaurdian angel to Julia or not, I don't know, but I feel sure he is there looking down on his earthly family. Just my thoughts on things...

Glad you found some peace. Hope it sticks with you. Always thinking of you and praying for you. Lots of love....