Tuesday, November 16, 2010


I have struggled with anxiety for probably my whole, and didn't realize how bad it was until college. I thought I had dealt with it, and then I got married. I realized I don't do well with big changes in life. I get anxious, I worry, I can't focus. AWFUL!!

And now with the loss of Owen, I find myself super anxious. If I don't feel Julia moving, I worry. When I feel like she should have moved or I'm not sure I worry. When I wake up I worry. When I go to bed, I worry. My students are taking a test right now, and I worry. I feel like all I do is worry. And I feel out of control.

I know worry and anxiety are not from God. I know that He tells us to cast all of our anxieties on Him because he cares for us. I know that He says to not be anxious about anything but through prayer and supplication present our requests to Him, and the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard our hearts and our minds in Christ Jesus.

My problem is I'm scared. I scared to lose another baby. I'm scared I won't know when something is wrong. I'm afraid of wasting money by going to the doctor just to make sure she is okay. I'm afraid of making Paul mad for being irrational. I'm afraid my instincts are right.

The truth is I want God to take us right to March so I know she is safe and healthy. Part of me wants to not feel anything so I don't feel anxious. I'm tired of the anxiety.

And I see that my biggest sin is just not trusting God. And the truth is that I don't really know how to do it. I'm lost right now in worry, anxiety, and fear. Overwhelmed by not knowing if something is wrong. Terrified that if it is I won't know how to handle it. Terrified that if something goes wrong I will literally go crazy. I'm scared, and all I have is God and I'm so angry at Him for taking Owen that I don't want to trust Him with Julia. Because what if He takes her too. What will I do then? How will I survive?

Paul and I have been reading Isaiah. Last night we read Isaiah 2 when Isaiah prophesies about the Messiah coming, and that all of the idols that Jerusalem and Judah have built for themselves will be destroyed. I haven't built and idol that I got to and worship every day, but I sure have an idol in my life. I worship control all too often. And now I have put my daughter above God. There is no way that she can ever satisfy me the way that God can. It's wrong of me to put those expectations on her before she is born. But my anxiety pushes me to try and control what is happening, and put her above God because I am so scared of not getting what I have always wanted....Children.

I know this might seem bizarre to some of you but I need to confess where I am so that God can get me back to where I need to be. Sin likes to stay hidden. It doesn't want to come out and have light shine on it. So I have to reveal the sin in my life so that I can, with the power of Christ, overcome it.

Please just keep us in your prayers.

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