I pray often that God will allow me to trust my instincts but not be anxious about them. The night we found out we lost Owen I had a very clear feeling that something was wrong. I knew my anxiety and my thoughts about what were happening were something to check out, but lately I have been over analyzing every movement I feel or don't feel. I feel like I should be worried, but am trusting in God that everything is fine.
I know this is probably a normal stage to go through when you are pregnant, but I just keep thinking that I can't lose another baby. I must do everything I can to keep her safe. The reality is that I have no control, and that scares the crud out of me. Several months ago God made it really clear that I needed to trust Him with my children. I needed to do what I knew was healthy for my pregnancy and let Him take care of the rest. I felt a peace about that. Knowing that God is so much bigger and stronger than I am and He is capable of taking better care of my children than I can.
And then He took Owen.
At that moment I began to doubt in who He is. I began to think that clearly I would not have chosen this for myself so I will do a better job taking care of my children because He allowed one to die.
And then we sang "I Surrender All" in church on Sunday.
1. All to Jesus I surrender;
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live.
* Refrain:
I surrender all,
I surrender all;
All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.
2. All to Jesus I surrender;
Humbly at His feet I bow,
Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
Take me, Jesus, take me now.
3. All to Jesus I surrender;
Make me, Savior, wholly Thine;
Let me feel the Holy Spirit,
Truly know that Thou art mine.
4. All to Jesus I surrender;
Lord, I give myself to Thee;
Fill me with Thy love and power;
Let Thy blessing fall on me.
5. All to Jesus I surrender;
Now I feel the sacred flame.
Oh, the joy of full salvation!
Glory, glory, to His Name!
Powerful words. And all I could think of is that I'm not surrendering all I'm holding on to Julia more tightly now than I ever could have thought was possible.
And I thought about Abraham when God asked him to sacrifice Isaac. God was asking Abraham if he trusted God, and loved Him enough to give his son to Him. And I realized that Julia quickly became and idol for me. She became more important to me than God. It happened the instant we found out about Owen. My heart quickly changed from being able to fully trust and depend on God to questioning Him and His purpose. I questioned His goodness, His grace, His mercy, His sovereignty...INSTANTLY. And yet, like the Loving Father He is, He continued to POUR out His love on me, and gently reveal the sin in my heart so that He could begin the healing process.
I know the healing process has just begun, but God has already done a huge work in my heart. He is revealing Himself to me in ways I didn't know I needed. I'm learning to trust Him in ways I didn't know I needed to, and I'm learning how deep and how vast His love is for me.
Now I can be more hopeful for Julia. I am learning how to trust God with her even though I want to hold on tight to her and never let go. I know that isn't what she needs.
Please pray that through this God will teach us how to be parents that pursue Him, that depend on Him, and that trust Him with our children.
Please pray Julia would continue to grow strong and healthy, there would be no side effects from losing Owen that would harm her, that she will know God in a truly precious way, she will be drawn to Him, and that He will daily reveal to her His purpose for her life.
She is a precious gift, and we are absolutely honored God is allowing us to be her parents.
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